


Tok'ra: A Jolinar Survives Story

by SG_PANDA



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Daniel might or might not be involved, I haven't decided yet okay, Maybe a polyamorous relationship??, Multi, Well more than a Tok'ra pairing already is anyway, and plausible, i'm sorry i tried, it's possible, lots of flashbacks disguised as giant blocks of dialogue
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:13:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 25,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25328338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SG_PANDA/pseuds/SG_PANDA
Summary: What happens when, instead of the Ashrak finding and killing Jolinar, an OC decides to take matters into her own hands? Begins during In The Line Of Duty and continues from there. Includes mentions of past torture (rape especially) and some dealings with depression and PTSD.
Relationships: Daniel Jackson/Original Female Character(s), Lantash|Martouf / Jolinar|Original Female Character
Kudos: 5





	1. A Questionable Turn of Events

**Author's Note:**

> ****Bold is symbiote speaking in symbiote voice
> 
> Italics is internal host/symbiote communication, as is bold not in (")

"Kree shak, Jolinar. By decree of the Goa'uld System Lords you will die with dishonor by the power of the Hara'kash." Before the Ashrak could activate his weapon, a loud voice sounded from behind him.

"Not on my watch!" Two shots of a zat gun left the Ashrak dead on the floor. Jolinar looked up in shock.

"Meridian?" A nod. A zat gun pressed into Jolinar's palm.

"Come with me if you want to live. We're probably going to have to shoot our way out. No killing. One shot. You kill them, I kill you. Got it?"

"I understand."

"Do what I tell you, and we may make it out yet." A roguish grin crossed the young woman's face, and she turned to press her body to the inside of the doorframe. Jolinar followed suit. Teal'c and O'Neill ran into the room, and Meridian took down Teal'c and then O'Neill in turn, with a whispered "Sorry." She waved Jolinar forward, and pressed her body into the wall. A few moments later, a group of soldiers passed. Jolinar helped Meridian take these ones out. In this manner, they reached the gate room. Meridian was beyond relief to see that the gate was active and there was a group of refugee Nasyans passing through.

"Ok, here's the plan. Run, in, dodge through the refugees, get to the gate. They won't shoot into the refugees, and so we'll be good as long as we get through the gate fast enough. They'll try to shut it down once they spot us. There will be a team of eight on the other side. We take them down with zats, and then I dial a different world. From there we'll go to the new Tok'ra world, once we're sure no one has followed. Got it?"

"Yes."

They sprinted into the gate room at top speed, running through the Nasyans.

"Meridian! I order you to stand down!" Hammond roared through the mic. They kept sprinting.

"Mer, wait!" It was Daniel's voice this time, much harder to ignore. Meridian grimaced as she threw her body through the gate, Jolinar beside her.

They arrived on the planet and SG teams 3 and 5 barely had a chance to notice the women before they were unconscious. Meridian dialed rapidly and slammed the DHD. The wormhole activated. She grabbed Jolinar and yanked her through.

"Ok. Jolinar, right? I'm Meridian." The girl held out her hand for a handshake, a smile on her exhilarated face. She was panting lightly, face slicked in sweat. Jolinar took her hand, gave it a quick shake.

"Jolinar of Malkshur. Thank you for saving me. I do not mean to sound ungrateful, but may I ask why you saved me?"

"I've known for a while that this was going to happen. And I know that you are of the Tok'ra. I know who they are. And I want to join you. I want to be your new host. And we send Carter back."

"We could, of course. But I want you to know that you do not have to do this to free Carter. I will send her back when I find a new host regardless. You do not have to be a hero any longer."

"How about we talk more with the other Tok'ra? Would you dial?"

"I will, but you cannot see the symbols."

"Ok. I won't look."

Jolinar dialed, and soon Meridian and Jolinar walked side-by-side on a sandy desert planet. They were silent. After a moment, a group of Tok'ra sprung up out of the sand. Meridian and Jolinar both recognized Martouf.

"Martouf!" Jolinar was joyful, and instantly dropped her weapon and sprang into the man's arms. Martouf dropped his staff to catch her, holding her tightly.

"Jolinar? How did you get here? What happened?" As Martouf spoke, guards surrounded Meridian with their staff weapons aimed at her pointedly. She dropped the zat and held her hands up.

"It is a long story. I will tell you shortly. This is Meridian. I would be dead without her." The guards backed off, weapons withdrawn.

"Anyone who is a friend of Jolinar is a friend of the Tok'ra. Please, come." Martouf gestured for Meridian to come closer. She did, and the rings engulfed them, sending them into the tunnels.

"Wow...I've learned about this, seen it in documentaries..but...wow. These tunnels are..amazing."

"They've always amazed me, too," Martouf agreed with a fond smile.

"Meridian, I think we need to talk. Please follow me."

"Can I come?" Martouf chimed in, seeming disappointed. Jolinar smiled fondly.

"Of course." Meridian and Martouf followed Jolinar through the tunnels at a quick pace. Meridian did her best not to gawk at the tunnels and the Tok'ra, and did decently. They arrived in a small room with a pool of water in the middle and a few benches around the sides. It was empty except for them. Jolinar gestured to the chairs.

"Please, sit." Meridian did, and Jolinar and Martouf sat across from her.

"Meridian, can you tell me why you wish to be my host?" Martouf gasped, but otherwise was silent.

"Of course. I have a few reasons...the first is that I know how things would end for you if I don't and it's not pretty. I also have information you could use that could be beneficial, but you would have to be wise about it. Secondly, for Daniel. I know that you know his wife, Sha're, was taken. I want to find her and save her. For Daniel. I can't stand to see him suffer anymore. And..because I hate the Goa'uld probably as much as or more than you do. I would do anything to stop them...anything to save people from dealing with the things I've had to go through. So there."

"Those are all good reasons. Just to be completely clear, you do not wish to do this simply to free Carter?"

"No, although that might be a very slight motivation. She needs to be back where she belongs."

"And what of you? Do you not need to be back where you belong?"

"To return to where I truly belong is impossible. I do believe, however, that I will belong more with the Tok'ra than anywhere else."

"Very well. We must speak to Garshaw and then we can begin the transfer. Are you sure this is what you want?"

"Yes. But..before you go...can I talk to Carter?"

"Of course." Jolinar's head dropped and then popped back up.

"MERIDIAN! What in the HELL do you think you are doing?!" Meridian snorted sarcastically.

"It's good to talk to you, too, Sam." Carter folded the much younger woman into her arms.

"Not that I'm not happy to talk to you, but seriously, what do you think you're doing? Giving yourself up to be the host to a GOA'ULD!?"

"She's not a Goa'uld, Carter. She's Tok'ra. It's different."

"How?"

"The Tok'ra fight the Goa'uld. And they don't take hosts by force unless they have absolutely no choice, like with you. Notice how concerned Jolinar has been with my motivations, with making sure this is what I want? It's a choice. Do you think I would have come here if it wasn't? Also, the Tok'ra don't suppress their hosts. Take Martouf for example. He's free to speak whenever he wants."

"Are you sure? Is this really what you want? To leave me, leave Daniel and Jack and Teal'c?

"Yes. Look, I know this is hard for you, but you know I need to leave. And I'll visit, I promise. Ok?"

"Okay. I love you, Meridian. I really hope you're right about this."

"Trust me. Have I been wrong before?"

"No…"

"Precisely. Will you be ok?"

"No that I know what's going on a little more, I think so. Just...be careful, Meridian. I know you trust these Tok'ra, but I think we both question how much anyone should really know of what you know."

"I'll be careful, Sam, I promise. You know me, careful is my middle name."

Sam rolled her eyes affectionately, then ruffled Meridian's hair playfully.

"Hey!"

It was a little while later when Jolinar took Meridian as her host and both were overwhelmed with memories. They gasped, eyes glowing brightly.

_How do you have these many memories? This should be impossible…_

**I have a photographic memory. Just don't look at anything too hard. Some of these hurt like hell.**

_Likewise. We do not need to share our pain yet._

**Agreed.**

"Jolinar?" Martouf interrupted the internal conversation with a worried look. Another gasp.

" **Yes. I...this is a little overwhelming."**

"Agreed," Meridian managed to gasp out, "I think we need a minute."

"Of course." Martuf sat in his seat, fidgeting anxiously while Jolinar and Meridian sorted through their shared memories.

**Wow...you really love Martouf and Lantash, don't you?**

_I have for hundreds of years...it's a part of me. And now it's a part of you, too._

**I knew that already, but…**

_It's overwhelming?_

**A little.**

_Don't worry, you'll get used to it._

**So, what all have you...done?**

_Ah. You mean…?_

**Yes**

_Everything, pretty much_

**I figured. Then there's something you should see, just so you're prepared...hold on.. Let me find it…**

Jolinar waited patiently while Meridian sifted and sorted through her own memories as if they were a pile of unorganized files.

 **Ah, here** she spoke up after a few minutes. **Brace yourself, this one is very unpleasant.** A picture came up, a scene. It seemed to suck Jolinar in, to make her see and hear and feel and smell everything exactly as it had been. It was something she had never experienced with any other host, this realistic recall. In the scene, she was laying on the floor of a cell on a goa'uld mothership. It was dark and cold, and she was shaking. But it wasn't from cold, it was from fear. That's when she noticed the boots of the goa'uld man in front of her. She did not know him, but Meridian did. And he was who she feared.

"Get up!" He barked, kicking them in the stomach with the toe of his boot. Meridian's tears ran hot down her face in the memory, and she forced a body screaming in protest to its feet. The man grabbed her, roughly, pulling her to him. He smashed their lips together, touching her body in ways that made her want to scream. His hands went- and then Jolinar, now, was screaming. Meridian yanked her out of the too-real memory and back into the real world. Here, they were laying on their side on the bed, curled up in a ball, crying hysterically. The screaming had stopped shortly after the memory. Martouf was kneeled down in front of them, at eye level, looking concerned and uncertain. His hands came up, as if to embrace them, but Meridian spoke up.


	2. The Aftermath

"Don't...please don't touch us. Not right now." Their skin was still crawling sickly from the memory, the way the goa'uld's hands had run over their body. Jolinar was whimpering in the back of their mind, and had mentally cringed away from Martouf's touch. Meridian was more composed, having seen the memory a thousand times and having experienced it for herself. Martouf looked confused and hurt as his hands fell back to his sides. He did not touch them, but did not move away either. He was uncertain. Jolinar was hysterical still.

 _GO AWAY!_ She cried. _MAKE HIM GO AWAY!_ And then she was back to sobbing.

"Martouf could you..give us a minute? We'll explain later."

"Of...of course." He stood and walked out of the room, looking back at them longingly for a moment first. Once he was gone, Meridian reached out to Jolinar with her mind tentatively.

**Hey...I'm sorry. I shouldn't have shown you that yet…**

_It's okay, you did the right thing. I just..it..it was just so real._

**I know. I should have prepared you. You'll get used to it though, I promise.**

_You're doing fine. I...I've been through worse. I'll be ok._

**Good. But...I just felt like you should know that because that's how it feels sometimes. When men reach out to touch us it…**

_I know what you mean. I'm glad you showed me. I…_

**You'll learn to live with that, too. And it will get better with Martouf, slowly. But..we do have to take it slowly.**

_I understand. I just hope we didn't hurt his feelings…_

**I'm sure he'll understand. I bet he's lingering outside the door right now. Do you want to talk to him?**

_I...I don't know if I can yet. I feel…_

**I know. Do you want me to talk to him?**

_You shouldn't have to…_

**Jolinar. It's ok, really. I think one of us needs to talk to him. I mean, I'm already in love with him thanks to you...it's not like he's a stranger.**

_I know...Are you sure?_

**Yes. And you never know, you might want to once we get talking.**

_Maybe._

Mer's POV

I stand up, stretch, force my body to relax. A few deep breaths. I wait for the numbness in my legs to subside, and I give Jolinar a moment to steady herself. When we're both ready I walk out the door. Surely enough, Martouf is standing there looking anxious. He turns when he sees us, his face boyish.

"Are…" He steps towards us, hand outstretched. He seems to think better of it and stands across from us. A large, awkward space looms. "Are you alright?"

"I am. Jolinar is...still processing."

"Am I allowed to ask what happened?"

"Always. I...I showed Jolinar a memory I probably shouldn't have, and she was very overwhelmed. I didn't realize how much it would affect her.."

"Dare I ask what the memory was of?"

"It...I was a prisoner of the goa'uld for three years. In that time, I was tortured in various ways. But the worst was...sexually."

Understanding lit Martouf's face, followed quickly by sympathy.

"Oh..I...I'm very sorry."

"It's all in the past now. But sometimes. . . .when a man touches me or gets too close..it becomes very present."

"Oh, okay...I understand. Is Jolinar…?"

Jolinar gave me a light mental nudge aside, and I moved out of the way gladly, happy she was ready to talk.

" **I am here. I'm sorry, I should have explained myself it's just…"**

"You were overwhelmed, I understand. I'm just glad you seem better." Martouf smiled, a small hopeful smile.

" **Me too. But I just want you to understand, this will be a long process. And I want you to know it's not because I don't trust you. I do, with my life. But...this is physical as much as mental.** "

"Jolinar, you don't have to defend or explain your trauma to me. I understand. I love you. I'll work with you and help as much as I can. There is no rush."

Jolinar breathed a sigh of relief. **See. It will all work out. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about this before...I feel like I've betrayed you somehow.**

_You didn't. It's alright, all hosts have their challenges. Even if I'd known, I would have still blended with you._

**Ok...thanks.**

" **I...thank you. I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm so nervous**."

"Jolinar, I love you. I would do anything for you. You don't need to apologize to me, for this or anything else. Ok?"

" **Ok**." We smiled.

"Yeah?"

" **Yeah**."

_I...I want to hug him or touch him or something. But also...I'm terrified._

**You can...try holding his hand or cupping his cheek or caressing his face. Something small that you can control. That's always best. And we have to start somewhere anyway. If you start to feel nervous or scared, just take a deep breath and remind yourself who this is. He loves us. He would never do anything to hurt us. We're ok. And if you start to feel scared, the important thing is not to break contact right away. That makes it worse, trust me.**

_I...I can do that. Right?_

**Of course you can.**

Jolinar stepped forward a little more, and Martouf smiled. He didn't move otherwise. She smiled back a little, somewhat closing the gap between us, but still keeping some space. She reached our right hand up to cup Martouf's cheek gently. He leaned his head into the movement a little, closing his eyes contentedly. Our heart beat faster.

**Breathe. This is Martouf.**

Jolinar took a few deep breaths and our heartbeat slowed almost back to normal. Jolinar's mind tried to drag her back into my memory, but I shoved it away and buried it. Instead I pulled up a memory of just a moment ago, of Martouf smiling and telling us he loves us. Jolinar smiled and calmed. Only then did she start to enjoy the warmth of Martouf's cheek against our palm, the gentle way he tilted his head and closed his eyes. He seemed almost as if he would be content to stand like this forever, with just one small point of contact between our bodies. Jolinar rubbed her thumb across his cheekbone tenderly and he opened his eyes. They crinkled around the corners as he smiled.

"Are you ok?" He asked tenderly. We could feel the movement of his cheek against our hand.

" **Yes...this is ok. It wasn't at first but it is now.** "

"Can I put my hand over yours? Would that be ok? It's ok if it's not."

**Say yeeeeesssss.**

_But...I don't know if it would be…_

**We can make it be. Just try it. If it gets to be too much just ask him to stop.**

_Ok.._

" **We can try it...I want it to be ok.** " Martouf watched our face as he brought his left hand up, oh so slowly, and rested it on ours. He gauged our face carefully for a reaction. An unpleasant shiver ran up our back, and some alarm in the back of our head crept up. We tried not to let it show on our face.

**Hey. Breathe. We're 're ok.**

I silenced the alarm in our head to the best of my ability. Jolinar took a deep breath and looked at Martouf, pulling up happy images of them together. We relaxed.

" **Yes. This is ok**." Martouf smiled, wiping the worried look off his face.

"I'm glad."

" **Me too.** "

There were a few minutes of silence, but they weren't uncomfortable. Jolinar smiled at Martouf, and he smiled back. It was...nice. Eventually Jolinar reclaimed our now warm hand gently. Martouf did not comment.

" **We should probably go to bed. It's getting late."**

"You're probably right. Can I walk you to your room?" Martouf looked hopeful, gentle. Our Martouf.

" **Of course."**

We were awoken the next morning by a knocking on the wall in the doorway of our room. Martouf was standing there, leaning against the doorway. Our heart skipped a beat before we recognized him. He was smiling easily.

"Good morning," he greeted languidly.

I groaned and pulled the blankets over our head, squeezing our eyes shut. Jolinar nudged me out of the way.

_Come, on stop being childish._

**Hughh MOORRNNIINGG**

_Come on, we have to get up._

Jolinar pulled us out of bed while I grumbled incoherently in the back of her mind.

" **Good morning,** " she greeted Martouf sweetly.

"They are sending Captain Carter back to Earth soon and they thought you both might want to see her off."

"Yes," I answered before Jolinar could, but that was what she was going to say, too. Martouf turned.

"Follow me." We did.

"Meridian!" Carter ran to me and flew into my arms, holding me to her tightly.

"I was so worried, and no one would tell me anything. Are you alright?" She held me back by my shoulders to get a better look at me.

"Sam, I'm fine, really. Great, even. I'm ok. Are you ok?"

"I mean, yes. I was just worried."

"You don't need to worry. I'm happy here."

"So you're staying, then?"

"Yes, Jolinar and I are. And you're going home, where you belong!"

"You..and Jolinar. How is Jolinar?"

" **I am well, Samantha Carter. I would like to sincerely apologize for taking you as a host. I hope you can understand my predicament. And I promise that Meridian will be safe with me.** "

"Well...thank you. I'll keep that in mind. And I forgive you, for taking me as a host. I understand. Just keep Meridian safe."

" **I will."**

"Hey! I can keep myself safe, thank you very much!" I protest lightly. Sam chuckles.

"I'm sure you can. Just be safe."

"I will be. Also, I have some intentionally vague advice for you."

"Well let's hear it."

"Do not trust Linea. Let her help you, but never trust her. She is evil. Be aware of your surroundings. Be aware of when it is too easy. We do not use the Sarcophagus. It steals your soul, but Daniel is more than his soul. Trust Thor and try your best, it will work out in the end. And bring zats as sidearms when you visit Gairwyn. Think diplomatically, and understand that communication sometimes seems harmful. Let it happen. Rya'c will scream. A zat will silence him. A man will cry wolf, he will be silenced by one who is not your own. Do not attempt to protect him. You must appease them. Ally will help you, if you find her. She will not help Maybourne, only O'Neill. Once Teal'c is saved, it will be time. You will dream a dream, and follow it to me. It will all work out. But you must follow the dream. If you do not, bad things will happen. And, in case you forgot all that, I wrote it down. It's in chronological order. Be careful how you use it, and be safe. That is all I can give you now. Use it wisely. And, for the love of God, please keep track this time!" Carter laughed as she accepted the list.

"Cryptic as always. Don't worry, I'll be careful. You know me. Careful is my middle name!" We laughed together. It felt good to laugh again. I embraced her tightly before she left, mourning the loss of one friend but reveling in the addition of new ones.


	3. So Who Is Meridian, Anyway? Also, Romance

My second week with Jolinar was when I finally spoke to Lantash for the first time. He had not spoken to me or Jolinar since I had become her host, but Jolinar said this was normal. We had enjoyed Martouf's company in the meantime. But today Lantash spoke up. We were on the surface of Voorash, our fingers laced loosely and resting in the sand while we talked. We had slowly been getting better at causal contact. Hugs were not attempted. Jolinar had been talking to Martouf, both of them laughing at a mix-up on our recent mission.

" **Remember when we first arrived on our last homeworld, and there were flying monkey like animals we had never seen before? Then one got caught in your hair and you were screaming like a banshee. I had to smack it out with my zat! You refused to go on the surface with me after that. It's still one of the funniest memories I have,** " Lantash finished, grinning roguishly.

" **That was terrifying!** " Jolinar protested, but she was laughing, too. She displayed the scene for me, and then I was equally as amused. Lantash started talking sometimes after that. Not very much, but Jolinar told me it didn't have anything to do with me. Lantash was just quiet, and Martouf was not. I giggled at that.

It was a few days later when Jolinar and I sat down with Martouf and Lantash so I could tell them more about myself. Martouf had been pushing it persistently, albeit gently, for a couple weeks now. Jolinar had also been curious, though the memories were there if she wanted them. She had told me she was too afraid to delve into my memories alone for fear of what she might see. I had had no such reserve with her memories, and I knew practically everything about her. But now it seemed only fair to reciprocate. Jolinar and I had agreed that the best way to show Martouf and Lantash the memories was by using the Tok'ra memory technology with the holographic display. Martouf had been hesitant, but we had assured him we did not care what he saw. He had finally agreed. We sat down now, in the corner of our quarters farthest from the doorway. The hologram was set to display on the nearest wall. Jolinar pushed the memory device in until it clicked painfully. Then we were off.

I started chronologically, with my childhood. Flashes of me as a toddler, stumbling along in a black and white dress to the arms of my waiting mother. I flashed to the date on the whiteboard my mother loved to have up on the wall, antique that it was.

**June 18, 3009**

Jolinar sputtered mentally at the offending date, but neither her nor Martouf interrupted. I moved on to my early childhood, dressed in a navy blue and white school uniform, sitting in my third grade classroom watching the holographic images of dinosaurs surround me. Later still, fifth grade now, watching a 4D documentary on SG-1 in my living room for the hundredth time. I switch to a memory of a 4D documentary on the Tok'ra, one with a quick glimpse of Martouf. I fast-forward to my eighth grade year, to a heated debate on the ethics of interplanetary technological trade with less-advanced societies. That one floors Jolinar for a moment. Then to freshman year of high school, meeting the modern Tok'ra. Memorizing technological blueprints for my engineering class, flipping through the pages of a textbook detailing the two hundred and eighty elements on the periodic table and their uses. Studying the production of clean energy for Earth Sciences credit. To my adopted band family as we pile onto a shuttle for our final competition. A little further, to the summer where I finally bought a ticket to tour Chulak in a week. To the excited and loving farewell from my band family and my actual family, then the public shuttle my dad and I left on. I move on to our arrival, my father feeling sick from the flight and urging me to go ahead to Chulak. Me, stepping through the Stargate with my tour group and being assaulted on a planet that should have been safe. I fast forward through memories of Apophis, of interrogation and torture for three years. To my rescue by SG-1 on Abydos where they were imprisoned. To Teal'c freeing me and carrying me out when I was too weak to walk. To the love and caring I was shown at the SGC, and through brief flashes of my relationships with people there as they developed over the next three years. Then to the day I broke Jolinar out, knowing this was how it had to be and hating it all the while. Then I was done. Jolinar disconnected the memory device and we were all silent as Martouf and Jolinar comprehended my "past".

A few weeks later, I was sitting on the surface with Martouf, relishing in the feeling of the sun on my face. It felt good to be in the sun that I was so used to. Martouf was laying in the sand beside me, tracing slow burning patterns on my stomach with his fingers. I closed my eyes, content. He stopped touching me and I felt him shift. I opened my eyes to see him lying on his side facing me, his head propped up on his hand, smiling softly. I matched him, a smile curling my lips. He tilted his head.

"What?"

"Can I kiss you?" I was taken aback for a moment, as was Jolinar. But then we relaxed. I couldn't imagine saying no to him in this moment, and Joliar was eager if a little anxious.

"Yes."

"Wait, really?" Worry sparked in his eyes. I chuckled lightly.

"Yes," I told him, leaning towards him. He smiled against my lips, and I realized this felt good. No traces of the bad, just good. I smiled too. The kiss was soft, of course. Just a gentle brush of lips on lips, ended quickly. But Jolinar and I replayed it on loop for some time after.

A few days later I finally felt useful again. Jolinar and I hadn't been allowed to go on many missions, since the Ashrak was still after Jolinar and I was new. But this wasn't a mission. SG-1 had just arrived through the Stargate. I was glad that Sam seemed to still have the memories of Jolinar, and hopefully the protein marker, though Jolinar had not died. Martouf came up with me to meet them. I had to first convince the High Council that they weren't a threat, which was more Jolinar's forte than mine. Carter spotted me first.

"Mer!" She called, running up and sweeping me into an embrace. Jack aimed his gun at me suspiciously.

"Sam! I knew you would come!" I buried my head in her shoulder. Martouf stood behind me, lingering uncertainly. Teal'c had a zat out, but Daniel and Sam looked happy to see me at least. As soon as Sam let me go, Daniel pulled me into him tightly. I hugged him, comfortable in his embrace, unlike when we first met. He was like an older brother to me now.

"I'm glad you're ok. You are ok, right?" He eyed Martouf suspiciously and I giggled. He shifted us so I was tucked under his arm protectively. Of everyone on Earth, I had told Daniel the most about the torture that I had endured. He knew pretty much everything. I was always the most comfortable sharing with him, trusted him the most.

"Daniel?" Jack asked, still pointing his gun at Martouf and I loosely. Teal'c had lowered his Zat after seeing Daniel and I's reunion.

"Jack?" Daniel offered reproachingly. Jack sighed and lowered his gun.

"You better be right about this!" He accused, waving his finger at Sam and Daniel.

"Well I missed you too, Jack," I teased, still tucked tightly against Daniel's body. He rolled his eyes.

"Yeah yeah, good to see you too, kid. I'm just hoping this isn't all a trap."

"I know. And you know I'm twenty one, I'm not exactly a kid anymore."

"Ah, but you'll always be a kid to me!" Jack exclaimed, mussing my hair. I rolled my eyes.

"Oooooook, Jack. Oh yeah, this is Martouf, by the way." I jab my thumb at him, and he nods.

"I think I knew that," Carter mused.

"You did. But that's a whole other story. How about you follow me and I'll take you to our leader?"

"Take us to your leader!" Jack exclaimed, pointing onwards. I chuckled at him as we started walking.

"Sorry, I had to."

"I know."

We reached the rings without incident, but I knew this next part would be dicy. And all because of Jack O'Neill.

"Alright, this will ring us down to the Tok'ra base," I held up the activator on my arm. "But, once there, you have to give up your weapons. All of them. And Jack, before you even START with me, this is not an option. I trust you, but the Tok'ra can be a little paranoid about this kind of thing. So you have to trust me."

"And how do I know you're not goa'uld?" Jack demanded suspiciously.

"Come on Jack, you know as well as I do that you'd be dead already."

"Fair point…"

"Are you coming or not, ya dimwits?"

"Fine. But if this is a trap.."

"It's not."

We ring down, and the awaiting Tok'ra secure the weapons of a disgruntled Jack O'Neill and team. I have to disentangle myself from Daniel so he can get his vest off, but he pulls me close again. I roll my eyes at his antics as he eyes Martouf.

"Well, come on then," I retort, pulling Daniel along and letting everyone else follow. Martuf takes up the rear.

"This looks just like the place in my dream.." Cater trails off, looking around. I smile.

"Yes, when the Tok'ra arrive on a new planet these tunnels are grown deep underground. They serve as our base of operations until we move on. Then they are destroyed."

"Wow..the technology required.." Carter trailed off.

"Yes, the Tok'ra are incredibly technologically advanced. Please, come in here." I usher them into a room where Garshaw awaits.

"SG-1, this is Garshaw. She's the highest of the Tok'ra leaders. Jack, be nice."

"I was planning on it!"

"You are Garshaw of Belote?" Teal'c asked, tilting his head.

"I am."

"She is the most hunted goa'uld of all time."

"We prefer you do not refer to us as goa'uld."

"What would you prefer?" Daniel asked, adjusting his glasses.

"Tok'ra, Daniel. Call us Tok'ra."

"Of course..Tok'ra Tok Tok Ra. Against Ra!"

"Yes."

"I understand that you were led here by a vision you had from your time as Jolinar's host."

"We were."

"Then we have much to discuss."

Jack got bored and sat down as Garshaw asked Carter about her remaining memories from when she was Jolinar's host. Everyone else listened in. Martouf came to stand beside me, a fair distance away. I was still tucked under Daniel's arm. Eventually Jack got impatient.

"Are we prisoners, and are you goa'uld?" Jack asked Garshaw, interrupting her mid sentence. I rolled my eyes.

"You are not and I have told you we are not Goa'uld."

"I didn't…Why do you talk like that? And what's with the glowing eyes? Huh? Might it have something to do with a little reptilian activity in your heads?"

"We have symbiotic creatures within us, yes."

Daniel intervened, presumably to try to stop Jack from causing any further damage.

"Well then, you can see how we might think you would be a danger to humans. You take humans as hosts."

"Goa'uld take hosts. Tok'ra do not. Ours wish to be so," Garshaw corrected.

"It is a truly symbiotic relationship," Martouf added.

"No offence, but why would any human volunteer to be a host for a Goa'uld?" Daniel pressed.

"There are a lot of reasons, Daniel. Think about it. Right now you're talking to me, Meridian, though I am the host to Jolinar. I speak and act freely, without restraint or censor. Jolinar does not control me any more than I control her. With the blending, I've gained all of Jolinar's memories, her knowledge. Plus, I basically have a built in best friend. I couldn't be any closer to anyone than I am to someone who remembers all my memories, and whose memories I can remember. No one could relate to me more than someone who knows me inside and out, literally."

"So it's this..symbiotic relationship that makes the Tok'ra different from the goa'uld?"

"Yes."

"It is also this that has thwarted the Tok'ra's efforts against the goa'uld," Teal'c added.

"Teal'c's right. If you follow me, I can show you."


	4. Uh Oh

Daniel and I trail behind as Garshaw leads us to Selmak. Jolinar stirs restlessly in the back of our head.

**Jolinar, what is troubling you so? I can sense your curiosity…?**

_I apologize, Mer Cor. I am simply wondering why we are so comfortable with Daniel's arm around us._

**Oh, of course. I keep forgetting you haven't explored all of these memories yet. Let me show you.**

* _*I am in my bed, my new bed. I am curled up under the covers, reading a book that seems extremely old to me. There is a knock at the door. I bookmark the book and set it on the end table, expecting Sam and another conversation with lots of questions and no answers. I sit up, leaning against the headboard. "Come in!" I call with a sigh. The door opens and all I register is that it is not Sam, and it is a male, before I am curled up on the farthest corner of my bed entangled in blankets. I'm curled in a ball, my arms tight around my shins and my head buried in my knees. My breath comes in quick gasps. I am on the verge of crying. The footsteps stopped. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." The voice is soft and gentle, and it takes me a moment to recognize it before it clicks. "Daniel?" I ask, not moving. "Yes. Would you like me to leave?" "You don't have to." "Ok. Well, I'll just sit in this chair in the opposite corner, then." "That would be fine." I still have not moved. "Ok." I hear him settle into his seat. "I brought a bible, I thought you might like it if I read to you. Janet told me you're Catholic." "That would be nice. It's been a very long time." "Are you ok? That position doesn't seem like it would be too comfortable." "Just read, Daniel. Please." "Ok." I hear the pages flip open.**_

_So Daniel read this bible to you? For how long?_

**It took a few weeks to finish. He came whenever he could. After that, we started talking. Well, more accurately, he talked. I said something every once in a while, asked a question or made a comment. It was a long road and it took me almost a year to be really, truly comfortable with physical contact with him. He was a pioneer. The other relationships have become easier.**

_I see. You should tell me more of this later._

**Of course. We should bring ourselves back into the present now, though, I think we have arrived at Selmak's quarters.**

_I believe you are correct._

"Mer? You ok?" Daniel asks as I blink rapidly, bringing myself back fully into the present. I smile at him.

"Yeah, Daniel. Just talking to Jolinar. She was asking about you." I squeeze the arm around my waist for emphasis. He nods in acknowledgment as we enter the room.

"This is Selmak. Simply put, her host is dying, and we do not have a host for her. If a host is not found, she will die as well," Garshaaw explains.

"Of course! Zero to negative population growth, right?" Sam asks, looking for confirmation. I notice Martouf is looking at me strangely and try my best to ignore it, promising myself I will explain it to him later. I feel Jolinar's agreement.

"That's right, Sam. When hosts die and a new one can't be found, or people are lost in the line of duty, we have no one to replace them," I agree.

**Jolinar, I think I remember something about that. Egeria. Remind me to dig for that later.**

_Meridian, what do you mean "dig"? Do you not simply remember?_

**Well, I do remember everything I've seen and heard throughout my life, but I'm honestly not very good at keeping track of it. It's sorta like this: you have a bin full of data crystals, all different shapes and sizes and colors, and each one has only a one or two word label on it to tell you what it is. You don't really know what's on each one until you sit down and go through them all, one by one. Does that make sense?**

_Yes, it does. I'm sorry, I guess I just assumed because you have so many memories you would have them organized._

**Easier said than done, Jol.**

_Of course, I see that now. Thank you._

I return to awareness at the tail end of the conversation. Sam just decided to ask her dad to host Selmak, and Daniel will stay here with me while Jack and Teal'c go back with Sam.

"Meridian? Where do you want to go? Is there anything you wanted to show me?" Daniel asks, looking down at me with that telltale gleam in his eyes. I smile.

"Well, there's not really anything here you would find particularly exciting. How about we just hang out?" I suggest. Daniel smiles and ruffles my hair affectionately.

"Good idea, Mer. Maybe you could help me with some translations?" I roll my eyes at his antics.

"Of course you brought translations! You mean translate them for you, I assume? What language?"

"Ancient. SG-2 brought it back for me."

"What dialect?"

"Honestly? I was hoping you could tell me," Daniel admits sheepishly as we walk back to my room. I neck him lightly and he exclaims in halfhearted protest.

"Prat."

"Nerd."

"Idiot."

"Dork."

_Meridian? Why are you and Daniel insulting one another? I believed you were friends, are you not?_

**Of course we are, Jol. It's a friend thing on Earth, to jokingly insult each other.**

_Earth is odd._

**Indeed.**

We reach my quarters and Daniel flops onto my bed without preamble. I giggle at him.

"Daniel?"

"Whaaaaaat?"

"Didn't you want to do translations?"

"Yes. This bed is really nice, though." I roll my eyes.

"Come on, get up. You know I'm mediocre at handwriting."

"Oh alright," Daniel agrees with a grin, rolling himself out of my bed with a roguish grin. He pulls his backpack off and starts digging around in it, pulling out books and dropping them on my desk with a resounding thud. I chuckle.

"That's a lot of books, Daniel," I accuse lightly.

"Ok, so maybe I've gotten a little behind on translations since you left…" He smiles at me, cheeky. We fall into our routine, having done this a thousand times together. I read aloud to Daniel (Jolinar is astounded that I'm fluent in Ancient), he writes it down, and we stop every once in a while for water or to rest Daniel's hand and then we resume. The pattern feels good: easy, familiar. When we finally finish the last book, we realize we worked through the night.

 **Jol?** I asked sleepily.

_Hmm? What? I fell asleep, sorry._

**It's quite alright, Daniel and I worked through the night. Sorry.**

_Meridian._ She sighs, exasperated.

_We've talked about this, you still need sleep._

**I know. I just got carried away, is all.**

_I understand. But now, sleep._

**Ok.**

"Meridian?" Daniel asks sleepily. He fell back onto my bed at some point and I'm next to him.

"Yes?"

"Can I stay here today? I don't think I can get up anymore."

"Of course, Daniel. Just get your boots off my bed." He just laughs at that as he kicks his boots off and crawls up under the blankets with me. I cuddle into him, falling asleep with my head on his chest.

I wake up disoriented, still not being used to sleeping while Jolinar is, evidently, awake. We are sitting in the dining room across the table from Martouf and next to Daniel. I realize I am tucked under Daniel's arm (again), and that Sam is back. That stumps me.

**Jol?**

_Good morning, sleepyhead._ Jolinar greets me easily.

**Jol, we need to evacuate.**

_What?_

**Sam is back. The goa'uld are coming. Haven't you gotten word?**

_No. Meridian, what are you talking about?_

**The goa'uld attack soon. We need to leave. Trust me?**

_Alright._

" **Martouf?"** Jolinar asks, bringing a halt to whatever conversation was in progress. Martouf looks at us quizzically.

"Yes, Jolinar?"

" **Meridian just woke up and is insisting the goa'uld will attack us soon and we must evacuate."** Daniel looks alarmed immediately, as does Sam.

"If Meridian says it will happen, it will," Daniel tells us, looking pensive.

**Jolinar? Jol? What's wrong?**

_Ah...It hurts…_

**Jol? Jol? JOL?!**

I start to panic when I don't get an answer, and it takes me a moment to regain control of my body and mind and realize Joliar is...asleep? No. not asleep, unconscious somehow, passed out? Can symbiotes pass out?

"Daniel? Martouf?" My voice comes out high pitched and strangled, and I realize for the first time in a long time I am truly and completely panicking.

"Mer? What's wrong?" Daniel asks at the same time as Martouf.

"I...something's wrong with Jolinar...can symbiotes pass out? She just said 'it hurts' and then she went unconscious but I don't know what's going on and I don't know what to do and the goa'uld are coming and I feel so alone and...Daniel? What do I do?" I realize I'm starting to cry and I bury my face in his chest, seeking comfort. He's stroking my back rhythmically and saying something to Martouf. No, I correct myself as I hear the voice, Lantash. Lantash? I don't realize I spoke aloud until I get an answer.

" **Meridian. We need to evacuate. Will you be ok?** " Lantash asks me, gently.

"You don't understand, SHE WON'T WAKE UP!" I scream through my sobs.

**Jolinar? Jol? JOL? JOLINAR, WAKE UP DAMMIT! Jol? Jol, I can't do this without you! Jol? JOL!**

"Mer, come here. Come here, let Teal'c carry you."

"Daniel? Teal'c?" I'm held tightly against Daniel's chest, and at some point he stood up.

"Meridian, come here," Teal'c insists, gently. He's always been gentle with me. I think he still feels responsible somehow, for what I went through, even though he's the one who saved me. I let Daniel pass me off to Teal'c like I'm a small child and Teal'c swings me up into his arms with no apparent effort.

"She won't wake up," I sob into Teal'c.

"We can worry about that once we're safe, ok? We're gonna bring you and Lantash back to Earth with us, ok?" Daniel asks, quietly. I realize we're moving.

"Do you want to sleep?" He asks me quietly. I just nod numbly. He takes my wrist and presses on the implant there, the one that releases a sleep agent plus anesthetic into my system that knocks me right out. Everyone had them in the future, in case of emergencies or just not being able to sleep.

"Sleep," his voice, keyed into my implant, says. I do.


	5. A Dream what now?

I don't know how long I've been asleep, but I'm groggy and my head is foggy when I wake up. My memories are blurry at best, and I absentmindedly press my wrist and say "Awake." The drugs flow through my system and the pain in my body immediately fades and my head clears. I sit up, realizing I'm in the infirmary at the SGC. And Daniel, Sam and Martouf are sitting by my bedside looking anxious. Daniel is the first to meet my eyes.

"We don't know what's wrong with her," he tells me, straight to the point. He knows me so well.

"So we need to find out?"

" **Meridian, we don't know how to figure out. Nothing like this has ever happened before,"** Lantash speaks up, looking agonized. I stare at him for a moment. Finally, I speak up.

"Dreamquest."

"Dreamquest?" Daniel asks, cocking his head and getting that curious spark in his eyes.

" **What does that mean?"** Lantash asks. He looks so frazzled, and I can tell he hasn't been sleeping.

"Is Martouf asleep, at least?" I asked, changing the subject. Lantash looks at me oddly.

" **Yes. Do you wish to speak with him? I can wake him if you prefer,"** Lantash offers, looking miserable. I turn to tell Daniel and Sam to leave, but they're already gone somehow. They always did know what I need. I pull myself off the bed and pull Lantash into a hug.

"Don't wake Martouf up. I just wanted to make sure at least one of you was sleeping, since I know you aren't. Lantash, I don't ever want you to doubt that I love you just as much as I love Martouf. You don't have to be quiet and reserved with me, either, or let Martouf do all the talking. I love you, too. I don't know if you knew that yet, but now you do. I love you, Lantash." I pull back to look at him, and he's crying. And I kiss him, hard. I taste his tears. He freezes for a moment, but I move my lips against his insistently, and he relents. I kiss him until I run out of air, then I pull back, gasping. He's gasping, too, and looking at me amazed.

" **You..you really do love me as much as Martouf, don't you?"**

"Yes."

" **I love you too, Meridian. As much as I love Jolinar."**

"I know. Now let's go find Jolinar."

" **What is a dreamquest?"**

"It's...well, it's hard to explain. I'll show you. Come on."

Lantash lets me lead him gently through the hallways of the SGC until we reach my bedroom. Sam and Daniel are already inside when I enter, along with Teal'c and Jack. I smile at them all, my circle of friends standing around my first real home in this time. I look to Daniel first, my most complicated relationship in the room, my best friend and brother and once a year lover (but that's a story for another time).

"Do you remember where the pillows and candles are?" I ask him. He nods easily and opens my closet, throwing pillows at his teammates good-naturedly. They catch them and smile a little, remembering the times we'd had them out before. Daniel throws me a pillow and I catch it with an easy grin as he tosses one to a surprised Lantash, who barely manages to catch it. I chuckle.

"Alright, y'all know the drill, circle up and I'll explain." The pillows fall and the people on them in an easy circle, but there's an undercurrent of tension in the air that makes me on edge. Daniel lights the candles and, one by one, sets them around the circle. He flicks the lights out and sits down.

"So, a dreamquest. I'll admit, it feels a little primitive to me but to you it's probably. . .advanced? So, the basis of a dreamquest is that I go through my unconscious mind and memories with a specific goal, in this case looking for Jolinar. This is accomplished by a combination of mental control and ability, which I have, and a special drug you don't have yet, which my implant produces. I can choose to bring up to three 'guides', so to speak, with me to help me achieve my goal and help keep me from getting lost in my subconscious. The bringing of the guides is a sort of process unto itself, as well. A dreamquest can take anywhere from a few minutes to several hours to several days."

"So who will you bring as your guides?" Daniel asked, always the quickest to think on his feet. I smile at him.

"I was thinking you, and either Martouf or Lantash. While up to three guides is possible, two is the easiest number to maintain. That is, if you're willing."

" **I am, and Martouf is as well, whichever of us you wish to accompany you,"** Lantash cuts in, looking worried.

"I am, too, Mer. Whatever you need," Daniel adds with determination. I smile at my boys, and then at my wider circle of family.

"Alright. Lantash, I think you would probably handle it better than Martouf, since we will be traveling through my very extensive memories, some of which are extremely unpleasant." Lantash bows his head and Martouf comes forth with a sad smile on his lips.

"Meridian, I hope you don't think you are offending me in this, because I promise you are not. I do wonder, though, how you can bring one of us and not the other?" Martouf asked lightly.

"Now, Daniel already knows this, but none of the rest of you do, so don't freak out. I am a telepath. It is in this way that I, alone, can perform the rites of a dreamquest and of the selection of guides. Usually there would be a presiding telepath, but in this case there is only me."

"Well are we gonna start or what?" Jack asked, ever the impatient one. I roll my eyes.

"Alright, yes, yes, I'm getting there. First, Daniel, I need you to choose an anchor. This is essentially a safety precaution, someone I will telepathically link to you that can pull you out of my mind if you become overwhelmed or something goes wrong. Lantash, am I correct in assuming you'll stick with Martouf?"

" **Yes."**

"Good. Daniel? Who's it gonna be?"

"Sam?" Daniel asked her. She nodded easily.

"Alright. Give me a moment to set the links, and then you will need to choose a safeword that will be your anchor's signal to pull you out."

Everyone sits quietly for a few minutes. I reach out to Daniel's mind with my own.

" _Do I have permission to enter your mind, Daniel?"_ I ask him, in our heads. He gasps aloud.

" _I give you my permission."_ He answers easily. I do, and then I ask Sam, linking them together. I do the same with Martouf and Lantash.

"You should be able to communicate telepathically, so go ahead and choose your safewords. Tell me when you've got them and we'll start the main process. Or ceremony, if you wish to call it that, for it is fairly archaic in nature."

A few minutes pass.

"We're ready," Daniel tells me.

" **Us as well,** " Lantash adds.

"Good. I'll direct you through this, and don't say a word unless I tell you to, ok? Any of you," I add, looking directly at Jack. He raises his hands in surrender. Everyone else nods.

"Good." I press my fingers to the implant in my wrist firmly, holding it for three seconds.

"I, Kylo Ryn, wish to embark on a dreamquest to search for a dear friend." I say loudly and clearly. A voice in my head responds. _Do you, Kylo Ryn, intend to use the force?_

"Indeed, I, Kylo Ryn, intent to use the force to embark on the coming dreamquest."

_Do you, Kylo Ryn, wish to select guides?_

"I, Kylo Ryn, have selected guides, one of which is for my benefit and the other for the benefit of the lost soul I seek."

_Who is your own guide?_

"My own guide is Daniel Jackson."

_Kiss his lips in preparation for the quest._

"I will." I turn to Daniel, who is sitting on my right, and press my lips to his gently. I hear an intake of breath from Lantash, but no one speaks.

"It is done."

_Kiss his hand in preparation for the quest._

"It shall be done." I take Daniel's hand gently and press my lips to the back of it.

"It is done."

_Spill your blood in preparation for the quest._

"Indeed, it shall be done." I pull a sharp, simple blade from my Tok'ra robes and slice my palm with it, barely noticing the pain.

"In preparation for the quest, my blood is spilled." Everyone around the circle is looking at me with wide eyes now.

_Spill the blood of Daniel Jackson, in preparation for the quest._

"It will be done according to the old laws." I wipe the blade clean on my robes, staining them with blood, which still runs forth freely from my left palm.

"Daniel Jackson, do you consent to spill your blood in preparation for the quest?" I speak briefly but directly into his mind to tell him what to say and do.

"I, Daniel Jackson, consent to spill my blood in preparation for the quest." He accepts the dagger and slices it across his right palm, hissing with pain.

_Now let the bloods mingle, and the bonds be formed, in preparation for the quest._

"Now let the blood mingle, and the bond be formed, in preparation for the quest." I take Daniel's bloody palm in mine, feeling the familiar burning of blood intermingling even as I reach out to his mind and link it firmly to my own. Suddenly we are in a room in my mind, a simple square with white walls, a white floor, and a white ceiling. Daniel looks at me in confusion.

"This is where we will start the quest. You are in my mind. Wait here while I gather Lantash, and then we will begin."

"Ok."

 _Who is the guide of the lost soul whom you seek?_ The voice of my sister asks into the room. Daniel starts and stares at me, waiting for an explanation.

"That is the voice of my sister, programmed into a very small implant in my brain that helps with the dreamquest. She has been what I have been answering aloud this whole time, and now that you are in my head you can hear her too."

Daniel shrugs. "Cool." I grin.

"Yeah. Wait here," I command, and disappear as I pull myself back into my conscious mind.

I emerge to see everyone staring in silent worry at a now unconscious Daniel, whose bloody hand is still gripped tightly in mine. I pull my hand away from his and hold my palm out to show them we are both healed.

"The guide of the lost soul whom I seek is Lantash of the Tok'ra."

_Kiss his lips in preparation for the quest._

And with that, I repeat the same process I just went through with Daniel until the last two commands.

_Spill the blood of Lantash of the Tok'ra, in preparation for the quest._

"It will be done according to the old laws." I wipe the blade clean on my robes, staining them with yet more blood, which still runs forth freely from my left palm.

"Lantash of the Tok'ra, do you consent to spill your blood in preparation for the quest?"

" **I, Lantash of the Tok'ra, consent to spill my blood in preparation for the quest,** " Lantash confirms easily. He looks confused when I don't hand him the knife, but there's one more thing I have to do first.

"Martouf of the Tok'ra, blood brother of Lantash according to the old laws, do you as well consent to spill your blood in preparation for the quest?" Lantash bows his head and Martouf raises it.

"I, Martouf of the Tok'ra, blood brother of Lantash according to the old laws, as well consent to spill my blood in preparation for the quest." I extend the knife to Martouf, who takes it with a confused look.

" _Let Lantash do it_ ," I whisper into their mind. Martouf lets Lantash take over and he slices his palm.

_Now let the bloods mingle, and the bonds be formed, in preparation for the quest._

"Now let the blood mingle, and the bond be formed, in preparation for the quest." I take Martouf/Lantash's bloody palm in mine, feeling the familiar burning of blood intermingling even as I reach out to Lantash's mind only and link it firmly to my own. We emerge back in what I like to call the waiting room of my mind, and Daniel looks up at us, particularly Lantash, who does not look like Martouf. Lantash looks down at himself, looking confused as well.

"Meridian?" He asks in a voice unfamiliar, smooth and gentle, yet still deep and commanding, without the reverberation of the symbiote.

"Yes, Lantash?" I ask.

"I..why do I look like this? And sound like this?" He asks, running his hands over his face.

"Because you came on this quest instead of Martouf, my mind let yours choose your physical manifestation as the one you would be most comfortable with. Do you recognize it?" I ask softly. Daniel watches on, fascinated.

"I..yes. This was my first and most tragic life. His name was Amry, but he became brain dead from something even I couldn't save him from. He..he told me to stay in his body when his mind was gone, to live on. So I did. It was my most lonely life, but also my most...free. I guess I started thinking of his body as mine instead of ours, and whenever I picture myself it's always like this. But..I feel like I am him again. It's just so real. Thank you."

"Hey, don't thank me, your mind did all the work," I counter lightly. We all laugh, and just like that the sense of tragedy eased and was replaced with a sense of adventure and anticipation for the quest ahead.

"Alright, we're almost ready to go. First, tell your anchors that if we're asleep for more than a week, they need to pull you out. I'll be fine, my implants can keep me alive and relatively healthy in dreamquest for a month and then they'll wake me up. Assuming nothing goes wrong, of course."

"That isn't very reassuring, Mer," Daniel responds looking, as usual, worried about me. My smile softens and I pat his shoulder.

"Don't worry, Daniel. I've done this before and I'm fine. Now talk to your anchors and get back to me."

"Um, Meridian, how do we do that?" Lantash asks.

"Just like before we were in my head. Just talk into your mind, and they should be able to hear and respond. Be warned that that's only true here, though. Once the quest is truly begun, the only thing they will be able to do for you is pull you out if you think the safeword at them."

My boys just nodded, staring ahead in apparent concentration. A moment later, they speak up, confirming they spoke to their anchors.

"Alright, good. Are you ready?" I ask them, gesturing at the door that appears behind me. They nod, determined.

"Follow me," I command, turning to plunge into the ice-water of my subconscious mind. They do.


	6. Dreamquest

We emerge in my most recent memory before I was host to Jolinar: she was in Sam, and they were running through the gate with me. I run through the memories, looking for any trace of my Jolinar. Daniel stops me with a gentle hand on my arm. I turn to him, inquisitorius.

"What exactly should we be looking for, Mer?" He asks me.

"Jolinar. As a girl, I would guess. A scared child, probably. But not necessarily. Lantash and I will recognize her, and you might too. Honestly, it's more a feeling than anything. But she's not here, so let's move on to before I meet her."

I opened a door that appeared out of seemingly nowhere in the Tok'ra tunnel we are standing in. I walk through, making sure Daniel and Lantash stay with me. We emerge into the gate room in the SGC, the day of my first ever offworld mission with SG-1.

"You sure you wanna do this, Mer?" Daniel asks me as he straightens my helmet.

"Hey! That's me! I remember this mission!" the current Daniel exclaims. I chuckle at him.

"Hush, I need to keep an eye out for Jolinar, plus Lantash hasn't seen this before!" I chastise him gently. He looks sheepish.

"Right, sorry," he apologizes.

"Yes, Daniel! It's a facing my fears thing, ok? I'll be fine, promise," my past self assures, grinning good-naturedly.

"Ok, Ok," Daniel relents. The gate activates and Daniel, Teal'c and Jack make their way through. Sam holds Mer back, lingering with a worried look at the younger girl.

"You sure you're good?" Sam asks.

"I'm sure," Mer insists, pulling Sam in for a quick hug before walking through the gate. Sam follows a moment later. My Daniel looks at me, questioning. I grin, walking towards the gate.

"Well, come on!" I call to him and Lantash, walking through the gate.

We emerge on the other side to past Daniel beginning to speak.

"What a mess," Daniel observes, looking around at the temple ruins.

"This temple was destroyed long ago," Teal'c adds.

"Let's get a move on before we meet somebody who remembers why," Jack finishes, pulling his sunglasses on and walking off. I roll my eyes.

"So you really know what's going to happen, and you really aren't gonna tell us?" Sam asks, not in a mean way, but in the way of someone who lacks understanding.

"Yes, and yes. You guys need this, as a team building experience, and honestly so do I. Plus, timeline messing up, blah blah blah." Sam rolls her eyes and we move on.

"There's no signs of human life," Daniel comments, with a side eye at me. I shrug nonchalantly.

"This could be some type of forbidden zone," Teal'c suggests. The sound of faraway dogs barking approaches.

"Wait, I hear something. It sounds like. . .dogs," Sam notes, sounding uneasy.

We look up to see a young, dark-skinned boy in strange clothes running down the hill ahead, with dogs following him and nipping at his clothes and legs.

"Ah! Help! Help!" He yells as he stumbles down the hill, pausing at the bottom and batting futilely at the dogs with his hands. SG-1 and my past self tear towards him without any pause or preamble. He keeps screaming for help as Jack fires his gun into the air. We reach him and Jack fires more. The dogs begin to scatter.

"Hey, get out of here!" He yells, and they run. He lowers his gun. The boy stumbles, trying to regain his balance. Carter, Teal'c and I run after the dogs, chasing them off.

"You ok?" Jack asks the boy. The boy stares back at him, looking confused.

"Okay. . .O-?" Jack insists.

"Yes, I am. Thanks be to you. But forgive me. I am Abu of the Shavadai," the boy speaks up.

"Shavadi?" Daniel asks, telltale gleam in his eyes.

"The people of the Steppe," Abu explains eagerly.

"Well…hello! I'm, uh, Daniel Jackson. This is…" Daniel gestures to Jack with a questioning look.

"Jack."

"Jack," Daniel repeats.

"You are not…from the people of the river." Abu states. It is not a question.

"Uh, no," Jack replies, looking to Daniel.

"We're…we're travelers from very far away," Daniel supplies haphazardly.

"The sea of Ogada?" Abu asks, awed. Jack pauses, then nods.

"S-sure."

"Never have we met anyone from that far away. You will be doubly welcome in my father's camp!" Abu exclaims happily. Jack nods awkwardly, then gestures to past me, Daniel, and Sam.

"This is Teal'c, Doctor Carter, and Mer," he introduces. Past me walks up behind Daniel, ducking under his arm and hiding my face in his chest. He looks mildly confused, but accepts my physical contact with a shrug. Everyone in the team gives me a glance then continues on.

"The dogs are gone," Teal'c reports.

"For now," Sam adds ominously. Abu looks at her like a spooked deer, then gives me the same glance but to a lesser degree. He moves half behind Jack like a scared child. He turns to Jack and asks, in a stage whisper: "Are these women?"

"Oh, yeah," Jack replies absentmindedly.

"What do I have something growing out of my nose..or..?" Sam asks, taking a step forward. I reach a hand out to her from behind.

"Sam," I call softly. She turns to me, looking confused. "Come here," I insist, beckoning her. She looks even more confused, but complies and takes my hand, coming to stand beside me. I push her gently behind Teal'c, who's standing next to Daniel looking as stoic as ever. She looks perturbed, but goes easily enough. I pull out the plain white cloths I tucked into my uniform pocket for this very purpose. I extend one to her. She looks confused, scowls.

"Like this," I say softly, wrapping the cloth around my face so only my eyes are showing. She makes a gagging motion and shakes her head.

"Sam," it's a quiet plea, but she sighs and relents, and, still scowling, does what I showed her. Daniel, Jack, and Teal'c watch us with varying (to none, in Teal'c's case) expressions of confusion. Abu looks highly relieved as he watches Sam and I.

"Good, at least that one," he points at me, "seems to know her place." I duck my head easily, glancing at Sam and begging her with my eyes not to reply. I can see her seething, but for now she stays quiet. I lean into whisper to Daniel's ear.

"Tell Sam to stay quiet. Put on an act, like we're property," I tell him, though it pains me to say it. "Just for now," I add hastily. He looks at me, incredulous, but nods. He's good at taking advice when he needs to. He assumes a decent enough haughty expression, pulling me further into his side.

"Sam, stay quiet," his voice, to Abu, should sound like a command, but he pleads with Sam with his eyes. She shakes her head. He nods. She relents, seething. Abu nods, looking very relieved.

"I'm glad you know our ways. I would fear for their," he points at Carter and I, "lives if you did not."

"What do you mean?" Jack asks, but before Abu has a chance to answer, a group of horsemen come over the hill and ride down to the group.

"Shomo! Abu!" One yells.

"Raga, Raga. These people…they are from the Sea of Ogada!" Abu yells excitedly.

"And they bring women?" The horseman responds, sounding incredulous.

"Yes," Abu answers.

"Colonel, I think these people are Mongols," Daniel exclaims, stunned.

"Is this good news?" Jack asks, skeptical.

"I..I..I don't know!" Daniel replies, seemingly frustrated and awed at the same time. Another rider crests the hill and sidles up to Abu, patting him on the shoulder.

"My son, when you did not return I feared you were dead," the man says.

"I would be in a dog's stomach now, but for these," Abu admits, gesturing to us.

"Those two," he points at Carter and I, "are women." I subtly elbow Daniel in the ribs, and he looks confused for a moment before realization crosses his face.

"Yes, our women. Do you have a problem with that?" Daniel asks. I can see Sam biting her tongue, and Jack just looks confused but shrugs it off.

"Of course not. Now, you shall be my guests. If you are to travel this country, you should learn our ways as well," the man on the horse by Abu invites. Daniel turns to Jack.

"It's an incredible opportunity to study an ancient culture up close," Daniel insists, eager. Jack rolls his eyes, shrugs, and nods. We set off, and I can see Carter seething the whole walk.

A colorful array of tents is set up in a clearing. Fires burn outside the tents. Llamas graze throughout the approach the village, walking beside the horsemen with Abu.

"They return! They found Abu!" Someone calls. A woman peers out of a tent. She spies Abu and smiles with relief. Abu waves to her. Hooking a veil over her face that works much better than the makeshift ones I brought for Sam and I, she runs from the tent to the approaching group.

"Abu! Abu! Abu!" The villagers call.

"Mother!" Abu exclaims, embracing her tightly. Several other women come out from behind curtains, approaching their visitors with curiosity. People cheer and laugh. A woman grabs Carter and I and leads us into a large tent. Daniel, O'Neill and Teal'c follow.

"This is unbelievable. Uh, the Mongols who settled in Persian China adapted to the local customs. But there was one tribe, the Chagatai, that kept the traditional life of the steppe-nomad. Maybe these Shavadai are their descendants. I mean…uh…this camp could literally belong to Genghis Khan. It's a living exhibit of a way of life that's been extinct for…nine hundred years," Daniel exclaims, totally geeking out. I grin at him. Abu's father walks in, limping on a bad leg.

"Ah, please sit," he invites, sitting himself. We all flop unceremoniously onto the pillows and I yank the cloth off my head.

"We're good, Sam," I tell her with an easy grin. She tears the cloth off her face with a vengeance and frowns, running a hand through her hair.

"Good, because I still don't understand what happened out there."

"No, neither do I. Mer, care to explain?" Daniel chips in.

"Yes, Mer, I think we would all like an explanation," Jack adds imperiously. I gesture to Abu's father, Moughal.

"Maybe you should let him tell you. This is his camp, after all," I suggest, my tone warning.

"Among our people, it is death for a woman to show her face in public," he explains.

"Or to wear the clothes of a man," Abu adds, eyeing Sam and I.

"The old laws weigh heavily; it is good that this one," he points to Daniel, "claimed you both and that your faces were hidden, else you would have both been killed."

Sam looks at me and relaxes minimally, nodding in thanks. Daniel gives me a look that says I better explain later, and Jack echoes it.

"Ah, that's good," Daniel replies, uncertain.

"Soon, the old laws…ahh…the old ways will no longer serve us. Trade will one day replace war. This is the future. We have the strongest, fastest horses and camels. The finest wool…" Abu looks at his father and raises a finger.

"And medicines. Drugs of unheard of power," he adds, a glint in his eye.

"Ah, we've got some pretty swell drugs of our own," Jack counters lightly.

"Well, uh, Colonel…a lot of breakthroughs in medicine are coming out of the mountains, and the…the jungles. We should really see what he's got," Sam adds swiftly. Jack nods. Abu stands.

"I will show you, follow me," he invites. I stand beside Sam, but do not move to follow Jack, Daniel, and Teal'c as she does.

"I'm afraid, you cannot go until you are properly attired," Moughal tells Sam and I, apologetic. Sam raises an eyebrow.

"Properly attired?" She questions, looking from Daniel to me and back again.

"Uh, you should probably do what they want. Um, anthropologists do it all the time. They…dress and live as the people they're studying," Daniel offers.

"Well, I'm not an anthropologist!" Sam counters, annoyed.

"You are today," Jack says with a grin. I roll my eyes.

"Come on, Sam. It'll be fine," I jab good-naturedly. She shrugs me off and sighs, defeated.

"Fine." I grin. Sam watches forlornly as the men depart, and I lead her gently by the arm to follow the woman gesturing to us. The woman leads us into an enclosed courtyard, where women bustle about, working, their faces uncovered. The women lead us into an empty tent and start pulling us out of our clothing, which I don't mind, but Sam does.

"Hey!" She protests, but relents when the women ignore her protest. I grin easily as the women strip Sam and I to our underwear and redress us, layer by layer, until they're satisfied. I admire the dress they put me in, smooth silk in vibrant red and brilliant gold. The headdress is similar to Sam's, but more lightweight and compact. The cloth that covers my face is gold embroidered with delicate red patterns, and I have to say I'm not opposed to it in the least. I have always had a weakness for pretty dresses, and this dress is gorgeous. I can tell Sam does not appreciate it. The women quickly bustle out of the room, and a moment later Daniel, Jack, and Teal'c enter, led by Abu.

"You look beautiful," Lantash interrupts the memory softly, voice alight with awe.

"You did," Daniel agress, wistful. I smile softly.

"I still have the dress," I tease, before refocusing them on the past.

Jack, Daniel, and even Teal'c stare for a moment before Sam interrupts, crabby.

"Daniel, find me an anthropologist that dresses like this and I will eat this headdress," Sam grouches. The men continue to stare, and I grin at Sam, but she isn't paying attention. I frown.

"You...are the most beautiful women I have ever seen," Abu compliments, then turns and walks out. Sam chuckles awkwardly.

"Er, guess the kid doesn't get out much," she reasons. "Look, uh," she picks the veil up, putting it over her face, "I will not wear this thing over my face. I don't care how much embroidery it has on it. And this...dress, or whatever it's called, I mean, I can't move, I can't walk.." I roll my eyes.

"Oh come on, Sam, you're exaggerating. I used to wear things like this all the time. Just roll the sleeves," I grab her arm, deftly rolling up the sleeves, "loosen the underskirt a little," I reach around her body, finding the tie and wiggling it looser so she can breath, "and hoist it up a bit. You can actually function in them, I swear. It just takes a bit of work."

Sam sighs in defeat and turns to glare at the men.

"I still hate it," she snarks. I shrug.

"I don't know..it kind of works for me…" Jack trails off.

"It's, it's, you...it's," Daniel stammers.

"You," Jack finishes. Sam glares at them both, hands on her hips, looking like she'd love to kick them right about now. I almost, key word almost, laugh. Daniel looks at me for the first time since he's walked in, and his jaw drops. I blush good-naturedly and twirl. That breaks the spell and Daniel chuckles.

"You look great, Mer. I've never seen you look so..girly, though from what you said you must be used to it," Daniel admits. I curl my lips up.

"Of course, my dear boy, I had to learn the art of seduction!" I joke overdramatically waving my hand. He laughs.

"The art of seduction, huh?" Lantash teases me gently. I swat him on the arm, but otherwise ignore him, focusing on the memory.

"Well the good news is, the drug Abu showed us looks to be some new type of anesthetic that we haven't seen before," Daniel changes the subject, still dodging Death Glares from Sam.

"Yeah we're, uh, taking some back for testing. And Mer, Carter, in hindsight, if we do have to come back here, perhaps it would be better if we brought an all-male team," Jack suggests uneasily. "No offense."

"None taken. Considering you all get to go to this party tonight, and we're stuck in a tent that smells of rancid yak milk, none taken," Sam replies, still grouchy. I roll my eyes.

"Well, we'd better head out," Jack states, breaking the awkward silence. I shrug and Sam just glares as they walk out. I catch Daniel's arm before he leaves, as he would be the last one out. I lean in close to whisper in his ear, and I hear his breath catch.

"Don't worry about me too much, Daniel. I'll be fine, I swear." He looks at me, confused. I smile, knowing he's not used to my cryptic messages yet.

"Mer? I don't understand," he questions. I grin, dropping all sense of seriousness.

"You'll know when it matters, I promise." I kiss him on the cheek and push him out. I turn back to Sam, blushing furiously, and she raises an eyebrow at me.

Sam and I settle down on the pillows. And by settle, in reference to Sam, I mean gracelessly flop.

"So..?" Sam trails off, awkward. I sigh, having anticipated this.

"What do you want to know?" I ask, resigned. Then I remember _exactly_ what this conversation was about, and I started to panic. I look from Daniel to Lantash and back again.

"Well, Jolinar obviously isn't here, and this conversation is nothing you need to see, so…" I trail off, pushing the memory forward, though it makes my head pound and my body ache. It ends up where I wanted it, which is a small mercy. Sam and I have finally fallen asleep, and I lay on top of her, breathing heavily.

"Mer, what in the hell did you do that for?" Daniel asks, angry for some reason. It's been a long time since I've seen Daniel angry.

"Daniel?" I ask, my voice gentle and quiet, as if I could wake myself and Sam.

"My head is pounding. What was that?" I look down, chagrined.

"Oh, just fast-forward. I'm really sorry, I didn't realize it would hurt you, too." Daniel's face softens with a sigh and he rolls his eyes.

"It's ok, Mer." I give him a lopsided grin before pointing at Sam and "I", motioning for him to pay attention. As we sleep soundly, two tall but slim figures slink into the room toward us. Daniel and Lantash watch, enthralled, as they go to attack Sam and I and we try to fight back but fall unconscious as they drug us. My memory skips, hard, past my time of unconsciousness to when I woke up, head pounding. We're stopped by a stream to drink and Sam rants, angrily, while casting me worried glances, until we're both knocked out again.

"Jack, we have to get them back!" Past Daniel yelled as he paced violently, his mind spinning.

"Daniel, calm down, we're going to get them back," Jack said firmly. They had stopped at the same stream Sam and Mer had stopped at, and everyone was on edge. But they would get them back, they would.

Suddenly the memory skipped and warped, and me, Daniel, and Lantash were suddenly immersed in another one of my memories.

"What happened?" Daniel asked uneasily. I shrugged.

"I think my subconscious decided that we weren't going to find what we were looking for in that memory so it pulled us somewhere it thinks will be more productive. It will probably happen a lot until we find Jolinar. It takes a minute to get your bearings, I know, but it will help us find Jolinar faster," I explained.

"When are we now?" Lantash asked curiously. I looked around for a moment, getting my own bearings. There was a bed in the corner of the small room, a chair in the opposite corner, and a stack of books on the nightstand. Daniel recognized the room, though not the time.

"This was your room at the SGC," he said softly. I smiled a sad smile.

"Yes, before. I think we're sometime around the end of my recovery time at the moment. Those were the books I was reading, and I'm not in the room, so it has to be later," I mused. Just then, they heard laughing in the hall and the door opened to reveal Sam and the Meridian of the past, laughing together over something. I smiled suddenly.

"This is the day I moved out of this room and in with Sam!" I exclaimed. Daniel smiled.

"This was a...good day?" Lantash asked with a half smile. Daniel and I both nodded.

"A very good day. I was finally able to function almost normally again at this point. It was a big milestone for me," I confirmed wistfully. Then time warped and jumped again, and the scene changed. I recognized it at once and my stomach rolled. I felt the panic build up in me, unbidden, and my breath came in gasps.

"Meridian? Mer!" Daniel called, his blue eyes looking deep into my green ones. I gasped and blinked my eyes rapidly. Daniel did not recognize this place as anything other than a Goa'uld cell, but he could tell that it was more to me. I closed my eyes tightly and put conscious thought into breathing deeply before I even tried to reply. When I had a relative hold on myself, I answered, eyes still closed.

"This was my cell, Daniel. Or, this was my last cell. For three years, this was, in essence, the prison I came back to every night after they tortured me. I just…..I think this is the memory Jolinar will be in." Lantash and Daniel both watched me with great concern as I slowly opened my eyes and began to lead them through what, to me, were familiar hallways. We all heard crying and I sped up, jogging to a familiar door and, with a deep breath, pushing it open.

"Why….why…." A young girl sobbed in the corner, and both Lantash and I immediately recognized Jolinar, though Daniel did not. Lantash rushed to her, pulling her into his arms as she cried. I started forward more slowly, giving him a moment to comfort her. I saw when Daniel caught on that this was Jolinar and he, also, started forward.

"Jolinar, how are you?" I asked my lifemate softly as I leaned down to her level.

"I...I don't know where I am. How did I get here? Lantash, where's Martouf?" Jolinar asked in a child's voice, eyes wide and innocent. Lantash stroked her hair and looked to me for an answer.

"Jolinar, this is a dream. We've got to go now, so we can wake up, ok?" I coaxed gently. Jolinar stared up at me, wide eyed.

"Cordesh! Cordesh was a traitor and I knew it but...but Cronus made me forget and….he hurt people…!" Jolinar exclaimed, her voice breaking on a sob. My eyes widened. So _that's_ what caused her to get lost in our mind. Her memories had been tampered with, and when she'd remembered it, her subconscious didn't know how to cope.

"That's ok, Jolinar, there's nothing you could have done. It wasn't your fault. And Cordesh is dead now, and he can't hurt anyone else, ok? Now, you need to come with us," I tried again to coax my scared lifemate from the floor. This time she sniffled and, with Lantash's help, stood. She looked to me, determination in her eyes now instead of fear. Fragile, but present. I smiled.

"What do we need to do?" She asked.


	7. More Information

_**3rd person POV** _

Sam watched Daniel's unconscious face nervously. Him, Lantash, and Meridian had been in whatever this dreamquest thing was for three days now. They had moved Daniel to the infirmary the second day so Janet could start IV fluids to keep him hydrated. They had moved Meridian so she could be near Daniel, and Martouf, who had seemed lost and desolate since his lifemate went incommunicado, had followed like a lost puppy. He sat now a bed over from Sam, looking down at Meridian's face as he held her hand. Sam, recognizing Martouf's desolation, stood and made her way over to him.

"Hey, Martouf. I was gonna go to the commissary and get some cake and coffee. You wanna come?" She invited. Martouf started and then looked up at her with a tired smile.

"I believe I should…" Martouf trailed off apologetically. Sam sighed.

"Martouf, you need to leave her bedside sometime. If not to sleep, at least to eat and drink something. Come on. Jack and Janet are both here, so she won't wake up alone, and when they wake up, we'll be the first ones informed, ok?" She coaxed. Martouf had been glued to Mer's side since this whole thing had started, and Sam really thought he needed a break. Seeing the determination in her eyes, Martouf sighed and relented, standing.

"I..suppose you are correct," he murmured to Sam, and they made their way to the mess hall.

"This is called...chocolate cake, you said?" Martouf asked as he sliced another bite off with his fork. Sam smiled.

"Yes. And it's not the best cause it's military food, but chocolate cake is chocolate cake," she agreed. Martouf looked confused.

"What do you all say military food as if it is a bad thing? I have found the food here to be acceptable," Martouf said as he scooped more cake into his mouth.

"Well, it's not bad food, we're just used to better food, I guess. I just realized you've never had earth food not from this cafeteria. Honestly, I'm surprised Meridian has never offered, or demanded, to cook for you. It's one of her favorite things. I should know, she lived with me for two years and she completely took over my kitchen. I own more cooking appliances than I ever knew existed, and I've learned a lot from her, though I still don't cook or bake as well as she does. She always baked obsessively, too. It was like her stress relief, when we had a particularly hard mission or she had a really bad nightmare, I would always find her in the kitchen. She makes a mean chocolate cake," Sam reminisced with a sigh. Martouf frowned.

"You miss her." It was not a question. Sam sighed.

"Very much. We've always been close. Lived together, worked together. It's weird having her gone. It's like we never knew there was a hole to be filled until she was here to fill it. And now that she's gone, it's opened up again, only now we know it's there," she agreed sadly, looking down to the table.

"Perhaps she would agree to move back here for a time," Martouf mused. Sam looked up, curiosity and veiled longing in her eyes.

"Her and Jolinar have been having some...problems. And her, Lantash, and I have been, as well. She is not assimilating well. I worry for her. Usually Jolinar would be helping her, but Jolinar is...different, since they blended. More fragile, almost. I believe Meridian's memories are having a much bigger effect on her than those of her past hosts. It may be good for them to have some time somewhere familiar and safe to build a relationship," Martouf mused softly. They were quiet for a moment.

"Is...is she alright? Do you know? I worry about her, constantly," Sam admitted anxiously.

"She is very strong," Martouf hedged, "I believe she is alright, but she doesn't really talk about herself, to either Lantash or I, and Jolinar has told us that beyond her initial explanations she knows very little about her also, which is unusual for a symbiote and host." Sam sighed, having almost expected this answer.

"Meridian is a very private person. She is very strong because she was put through many hardships that made her so. But you have to understand, in the blink of an eye on what was supposed to be a safe and uneventful trip, her whole life changed. She was separated from everyone and everything she had ever known and at the same time captured and brutally tortured by who, to her, was a long defeated enemy. And all of this when she was only fifteen. She was stuck with Apophis for three years, Martouf. _Three years_. Let that sink in. When we eventually rescued her, she had been completely torn apart developmentally speaking. What were supposed to have been her most influential years were spent being tortured. She had no relationships, we were all nearly complete strangers to her save what she'd read. We had to help her build from the ground up, to start over her entire life at the age of eighteen. To introduce her to a world completely different than the one she'd left. It took almost a month for her to even say a word to us when she first got here. Not her name, no crying or screaming or sign of emotion. Nothing. She was docile, always did what she was told, though she shied away from the men and we could all see the fear in her eyes, so we kept them away. She hid in her room, only ever came out when I made her. The first time she spoke was with Daniel. He came into her room with me, and she scrambled into the corner of her bed and hid under the covers. And he said to her 'Hi, I don't think we've formally met. I'm Daniel Jackson.' And she just said 'I know.' Her voice was so quiet I think we both wondered if she had actually spoken. She stared at Daniel like she was fascinated by him. So he said 'Oh, ok. Well I don't know your name.' Not a question, even, just a statement. He said it so nonchalantly. And then I saw something in her eyes I had never seen before: amusement. And after a minute she said 'My name is Meridian, but you always called me Mer.' And Daniel looked confused, and I was confused too, cause they'd never met. So Daniel said 'What do you mean I always called you Mer?' and Meridian looked like she was lost in a fog for a moment. She stared at his face for a very long time. And then she said, 'Oh, I'm sorry, my mistake. You're a different one.' and when Daniel pressed her, she just shook her head frantically and said 'I've already said too much, too much, stupid stupid stupid.' We never figured out that interaction, really, but she started talking after that. Very slowly, as if she was weighing each word carefully before she said it, but at least she was talking. And that's when her recovery really started. So what I'm going for, I guess, is that she's still fifteen. As far as emotional development, and life experience, and relationships, she's only fifteen. She may act mature, and she's good at putting on a brave face, but under that she's still just a kid who wants to love and be loved. And honestly, it wouldn't surprise me if you were the first romantic relationship she's ever had. So take it easy with her, alright?" Sam concluded her monologue with a gentle question that was clearly rhetorical. Martouf had stared at her, enthralled, as she had spoken, and now he dropped his eyes to the table, deep in thought. Sam sipped her coffee and ate her cake in silence, knowing she was giving him a lot to comprehend.

The next day, when those unconscious had still not woken, Teal'c decided it was his turn to impart his wisdom onto Martouf. Sam had told him what she'd said, and that she thought he needed a little more help, and so Teal'c had decided to offer his advice whether Martouf was ready to hear it or not. And that was how they had both ended up in the commissary, sitting across from one another, eating today's dessert: pudding. Teal'c had not said much beyond getting Martouf here, and he had a feeling Martouf would be surprised to hear him talk so much at once. No matter, he had come to impart wisdom, so that's what he'd do.

"Meridian is a very kind girl," he began in his usual stoic tone, and Martouf looked up to him attentively. Satisfied with his response, Teal'c continued. "It is very impressive for her to be so kind after all that she has been through. She is very open and loving, and she has a very good heart, something which many others would have lost in her circumstances. Major Carter believes that Meridian is strong because of her circumstances. I disagree. I believe she is strong despite them. She kept her hope, her optimism, her enthusiasm and those things she loved near and dear to her, making sure they stayed alive and important throughout her ordeal at the hands of Apophis. I was with her, when she was with Apophis, and that is what makes me believe as I do. Even in the darkest of her hours, she would attempt to comfort the other prisoners who cycled through her cell. I would often hear her tell them stories, or sing to them at night, when they believed themselves to be alone. I would come and stand outside her cell sometimes when she had a companion, just to hear her lovely voice, something so hopeful and caring in a cold, dark place. She is a good person. She is strong, brave, and kind. And, despite what you may believe, she has put her faith in you. She has chosen you and Lantash and Jolinar. You are lucky, for she will love you fiercely and fully. Do not betray her love, and do not hesitate to return it, Martouf of the Tok'ra, for it is a very precious thing to have."

The next day, as he sat across the table from a grouchy Jack O'Neill, Martouf was beginning to sense a pattern. He had worried for Meridian to Samantha, and had complained of not having much information. Well, it seemed that Samantha had decided to make sure he was given information, not only from her, but from all of her teammates as well. He was not quite sure how to feel about it, but he was glad to have both their information and their opinions on his new mate, even if he had not requested it.

Jack looked up at Marty and then quickly down again. He still wasn't quite sure what to say, but he had promised Carter he would talk to Martouf some about Meridian. Gathering his thoughts, he took a deep breath and began.

"Meridian, she's a good kid, ok? She's sharp as a nail, she's a sweetheart, and she's a damn good cook. And if she likes you, well, she's in love with you, I suppose I should probably like you too. Cause not only is she everything I already said, she's a good judge of character. So if she likes you, she's got good reason. Hell, knowing her, she could probably logic it all out for me, make a chart or something. She thinks like that. But you gotta get that she was broken. A freak tech malfunction took her entire life from her, everything she'd ever known, and the Goa'uld, well they just kept on takin'. So she's a little messed up still. She tries real hard, and you might never notice if you weren't looking for it, but she's got issues. She still had night terrors when she left, and I reckon she still does. And, and she gets in these moods sometimes. Janet calls 'em 'depressive episodes'. She gets real quiet, and she doesn't smile, and she won't eat, plus, she wanders around lookin all lost. If you don't watch out for her she hurts herself, sometimes. We learned that one the hard way, she started cuttin' herself real good and we found her on the bathroom floor. Promise me, Marty, promise me when that happens, cause it will, that you'll look out for her? Make sure she doesn't do anything stupid?" Jack finished, fidgeting uncomfortably. Martouf nodded.

"I'll keep an eye on her, I promise. And Jolinar will too. She'd never let Meridian hurt herself. She's in good hands with us, sir," he answered. Jack nodded and grunted an affirmative, turning his attention back to his pie.

It took two more days before the sleeping group woke up. They had been debating on whether to call them back when Lantash woke slowly in Martouf's mind and Daniel and Meridian both opened their eyes. Meridian had sat up and looked around, as if everything was normal, until she saw Daniel on the bed next to hers and grinned. Daniel had one hand over his eyes and the other rubbed at his head.

"We did it! And sorry, Daniel, you're having your first dreamquest hangover. That's what we call them, anyway. I can give you something to help with it in a minute," Meridian promised, noting the pained look on Daniel's face. Everyone else stared at her for a moment, as if they hadn't heard her, but then Sam leaped into action as she grinned widely and pulled the now standing Meridian into a tight hug.

"We were all so worried," Sam admitted as she held the younger woman tightly. Meridian squeezed her back.

"I know, Sam. But we found Jolinar and we're all fine. Everything is gonna be fine," Meridian comforted as she held Sam just as tightly as Sam held her. When the shock of the others broke, there were hugs and kind words all around, and it was apparent that everything was well on its way to being, if not normal, better.


	8. Strawberries

“What is it with you and strawberries, anyway?” Sam asked Meridian. They were sitting in Sam’s kitchen, and Meridian was chopping strawberries, which Sam had watched her do what felt like millions of times. It was her thing, as Sam thought of it, but she had never asked why and Meridian was not a forthcoming person. Daniel, Martouf/Lantash, Jack and Teal’c were sitting and standing around Sam’s kitchen talking in low murmurs but they quieted at Sam’s question. Meridian looked up for a moment, wrinkling her nose as if confused, and then looked down again to start chopping a new strawberry.

“I never did tell you that story, did I?” She murmured to herself. 

“Hate to break it to you, kid, but you’ve never really been the storytelling type,” Jack answered gruffly. Mer chuckled once, bitterly.

“I used to be, you know. Before,” Meridian answered nostalgically. SG-1 exchanged looks. They all knew “before” meant back in Mer’s own time, when she had had a family and friends and a relatively normal, happy life. This was already more forthcoming than Mer usually was, and even when she was in a nostalgic mood like this, she usually shut down quickly.

“Oh?” Daniel said, trying to sound uninterested. An odd little smile quirked Mer’s lips.

“Yup. I was a writer. I had a blog, even. And I loved telling stories. About history, especially. I would talk and talk and talk to anyone who would listen. Like Daniel does, sorta. Except to me it was a story. And I was a good storyteller, when I talked about history, or read my stories to people. I volunteered at the library, once a week. I’d go and read to little kids. Paper books were pretty much obsolete, since everything was stored technologically, but I loved them. The kids I read to did, too. They liked the pictures, the colors, the funny voices I did. It’s weird to me, I guess, that I haven’t told you guys more stories. From before. I guess it always just hurt too much, to talk about the things I lost. It still does, but now it’s like there’s a joy in it, too. I think that’s cause of Jolinar. She asks a lot of questions, ya know, and I feel like I owe it to her to answer, so I’ve been thinking about it more and more and now it doesn’t hurt as much,” Mer trailed off as she finished one carton of strawberries and stood to get another. She stood at the sink, washing them and shaking the container gently, seeming lost in her thoughts.

“What about strawberries, Mer?” Daniel asked as she sat back down. She shrugged.

“When I was maybe eight or nine, a horrible disease swept across the world. A major pandemic, something we hadn’t seen in a hundred years. It was a new disease, and it wreaked havoc. It had a fifty percent death rate. Fifty percent. And we didn’t have any treatment for it, no vaccine, no cure. Nothing. We managed to keep it on Earth. We caught it early. We were good at that, screening for disease before anyone went off planet. We were careful. But this virus….it was awful. And the best the governments of the world could do was say to stay home. Social distancing, so the pandemic slowed and the healthcare system wasn’t overrun. So we couldn’t go anywhere, for six months. We had to stay home. It was hard on us, even the youngest of us. It was easy to be depressed, to have anxiety, to want to..to kill yourself. My parents saw the signs in me, of course. Nothing awful happened. But….we did grounding. Grounding activities. Things that made us move, tactile things were the best. They made me move, made me remember I had hands that could move and a brain that could coordinate. It made time blur a little less. With nothing to do and nowhere to go, time lost meaning for the most part. Days blurred into weeks blurred into months. But I’m wandering. Strawberries were grounding, for me. Whenever it got to be too much, or I couldn’t remember the last time I had showered, I would get a quart of strawberries and sit down at my cutting board and slice. My mama started it. She said, ‘Meridian, when things get bad, remember there are always strawberries,’ and we sat down together and started cutting. But then I had to figure out what to do with the strawberries I sliced, and cutting turned into baking and baking was another grounding activity, so that’s what I’d do. I made a lot of things with strawberries. That quarantine was when my love of baking began, too. Cooking. There wasn’t much else to do. So I learned. My dad knew the basics of it, so he taught me. But cooking was...well, people that cooked and baked were considered eccentric. See, we had food replicators. Anything you wanted, you just spoke it, and the replicator made it. So it seemed crazy to most to take the time or effort to make, say, brownies when you could just get them from a replicator. But it was respected, in an odd way, because anyone that had ever had home cooked food knew it was way better than anything produced by a replicator. We had a garden, in my backyard. We grew strawberries, among other things. And I had an herb garden in the kitchen, little pots with thyme and oregano and peppercorn. I used them when I cooked. My oldest brother was eccentric, too. He loved to cook and bake. He taught me a lot. I learned from all sorts of people. I’m good with words. I’d write to professional chefs and bakers, and ask them to teach me. Most were ecstatic to have a young person want to learn from them, to continue the craft. That's what I did with my summers, usually, travel to different restaurants and bakeries in different places and stay for a week or two and learn, and then move on. That’s how I learned most of what I know today. That’s how cooking and baking were, they were apprentice careers. There weren’t schools for it, hadn’t been for a few hundred years. So it was taught by the last generation. Like I said, it was seen as weird and eccentric. But I loved it. I still love it. I was going to open a restaurant when I was older, you know that? I had plans. Lots and lots of plans. But, well, God had other plans, I guess.” Everyone was floored when Meridian finished speaking. They had never heard her talk so much about the before at once. Usually it was bits and pieces, stray comments and errant thoughts that she shared late at night. Not even Daniel had heard her talk this much at once about it. They all noticed the tears pooling in her eyes, but no one said anything. They just let her cut her strawberries. Meridian felt the weight of their stares, and she began to shrink into herself, shoulders hunching inwards. 

“ _ Meridian, may I have control, please?”  _ Jolinar whispered into her lifemate’s mind. Meridian didn’t respond verbally, but finished cutting the strawberry she was on, threw it in the bowl, and then gave Jolinar control. It was obvious to the whole room when control changed hands. Jolinar sat straighter, pulled her shoulders back, and glared at each occupant of the room in turn.

“ **You are making Meridian uncomfortable. Stop staring at her. She’s a telepath, she can** **_feel_ ** **you staring. So quit it. She has shared something very personal with you, and her conditioning at the hands of the goa’uld is making her fear the rebuff. You can all see her sinking in on herself. So quit staring. My Meridian suggests that while I lecture you like I am your mother, I threaten to box your ears, which I do not understand but she assures me you tau’ri will. Also, she has asked me to remain in control until you all, and I quote, ‘stop staring at her as if she is an exhibit in a zoo.’ And so I shall honor her wishes, as should all of you,”** Jolinar snapped irritably before she returned to Meridian’s previous occupation of chopping strawberries. Everyone in the room stared at her for a moment, stunned into silence.

“I apologize, Meridian, Jolinar, I do not believe any of us intended to make either of you uncomfortable, we were simply surprised at Meridian’s monologue. I do not believe any of us have ever heard her speak so much about her past at once before, and we did not know what to make of it. We truly are sorry,” Martouf apologized. Jolinar glanced at him and smiled briefly, letting him know he was forgiven. 

“Yeah, Mer, what Marty said...sorry. We weren’t trying to make you a zoo exhibit, honest. And...box our ears? Really? I didn’t realize you’d ever even heard that phrase, let alone known what it meant. But uh, sorry,” Jack apologized bashfully, before fleeing the uncomfortable atmosphere by leaving the room. 

“I apologize as well,” Teal’c stated succinctly, bowing his head before he, too, left the room. Daniel moved to sit at the table next to Jolinar, watching as she cut the strawberries and noting that though it was Meridian’s hands, Jolinar cut differently. A little faster, sloppier. He thought, bizarrely, that if there was ever a question of who was in control he could simply have them cut a strawberry. Shaking the errant thought away, Daniel refocused his mind on what he was planning to say to Mer.

“Mer, I’m sorry. Like Martouf said, we’ve just never heard you talk that much about your past at once. We were surprised, is all. Mer, there isn’t gonna be a rebuff, ok? No one is upset with you, no one at all, ok? In fact, I think we’re all more fascinated by your past than you suspect. You really are an amazing storyteller. So don’t let this make you go back to not telling us your stories, cause we really do want to hear them. It’s gonna be a bit of a learning curve, but in a good way. Mer? No. One. Is. Upset. Ok? No rebuff. You did nothing wrong. You’re safe here,” Daniel finished softly, begging her with his eyes to look at him. 

“I’m sorry, too, Mer. You know I’m not a flowery words person, but I’m with Daniel. You’re safe here,” Sam spoke up quietly. The room was quiet for a long moment. Martouf moved to sit at the table, in the last empty chair, wondering how Daniel always seemed to know just what to say.

“It's ok...I..I’m sorry, you shouldn’t have to deal with me……” Meridian, now back in control, mumbled before she got up and quickly fled the room. It seemed as if the three people left in the room all sighed in unison. Daniel stood first, followed quickly by Sam and Martouf. They all stared at each other for a moment, the three people that cared the most about the woman who had just fled the room with the beginnings of tears in her eyes.

“I’ll go,” Martouf volunteered quickly, moving to leave. Daniel stopped him with a hand on his arm, and Martouf looked up to him, confusion and pain clear in his eyes.

“No, I’ll go. I’ve done this a lot, I know what she needs,” Daniel countered gently. Martouf opened his mouth, as if to protest, but Sam cut him off.

“Both of you go. It’s the only way she won’t feel betrayed. Plus, Jolinar will want her mates and Mer will want her best friend. And Martouf and Lantash will probably learn something,” she said, shooting both men a look that just dared them to argue with her. They both shrugged, seeing the logic in the arrangement, and began to walk together towards Meridian’s room. 

Martouf looked at Daniel, asking with his eyes why the other man had stopped them in the open doorway to Meridian’s room. Daniel held a finger to his lips, shushing Martouf, and pulled him into the next room, which just happened to be where Martouf was staying. Daniel eased the door closed and then turned to face Martouf.

“Daniel, I do not understand. Why was Meridian kneeling? Is she unwell?” Martouf questioned urgently, his eyes seeking Daniel’s pleadingly. Daniel couldn’t help the startled laugh that escaped his lips.

“No, Martouf, she is not unwell. I’m sorry I laughed at you, it was just funny, I’m not used to people not knowing. She was praying, Martouf. She subscribes to a religion called Catholicism. They sometimes kneel when they pray, it’s a sign of deference to the God they believe in. And Meridian is particularly a stickler about it. She told me she prayed a lot, when she was a captive. She’d kneel on the stone floor of her cell and her knees would get all scraped and bruised, and they’d bleed sometimes. They were bleeding, when we saved her. Janet was confused by it until she told us that was the one pain the goa’uld hadn’t caused. It took most of us a long time to understand, and honestly I’m not sure even I understand it completely. But she doesn’t like to be interrupted when she’s praying. She, uh, threatened to hit me on the knuckles with a ruler if I didn’t leave and let her finish. She was joking, of course,” Daniel added at Martouf’s appalled look. 

“I..we never knew Meridian was religious. How did we not know?” Martouf asked, distressed. Daniel patted him on the shoulder.

“Hey, don’t feel bad. The only reason we knew in the beginning is because she refused pain meds for her injuries. She wouldn’t talk about it for a long time, the most she would say was that she was Catholic and that she was offering it up. Eventually she started talking to me about it, but she wouldn’t really talk to the others and she still doesn’t really. None of them are religious at all. I’m not really, either, but I’m spiritual, I guess. I believe in..something more. That was close enough for her to feel comfortable talking to me about it, I guess. She’s pretty quiet about it, though. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if Jolinar didn’t know about it until just now. Anyway, I should let you ask her about it. She love love loves to talk about it. It’s one of the only things from before she’ll talk about. I think it’s because it’s the one thing she didn’t lose. But anyway. She should be done by now, so let’s go check, how about it?” Daniel asked. Martouf nodded, internally discussing everything he had learned with his intrigued lifemate. They had never had a mate who was religious before. The Tok’ra were generally not religious, and all of Jolinar’s previous hosts had come from goa’uld occupied planets and only been taught first to believe the goa’uld were gods and then that they were false gods. They were not sure exactly what to think or do with this information, and they were not sure if they should change anything. Lantash advised Martouf to take it slowly and simply ask their new mate these questions. Martouf agreed easily as they arrived outside Mer’s room. She was no longer kneeling, instead laying on her bed with her pillow over her face. Daniel rapped on the doorframe lightly and Mer groaned.


	9. Breaking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a lot of flashbacks disguised as giant blocks of dialogue in this chapter. Be warned.

“Go away,” she grumbled, though there was no bite behind it. Daniel rolled his eyes, having expected this outcome as the usual outburst that it was. Martouf looked at him for guidance, confused by his mate’s reaction.

“Mer, we’ve talked about this. You don’t really want me to leave, you just don’t want to work through your feelings cause that’s not a thing you do and also that may involve crying, which you hate. Now, can we come in or not?” Daniel answered with the tired acceptance of someone who had said that a million times and was prepared to say it a million more. Mer sighed moodily.

“Fine. Whatever,” she grumbled. Daniel flashed Martouf a grin and a thumbs up. This was going well, then? Martouf wondered haphazardly. They entered the room and Daniel sat on the edge of the bed, gesturing for Martouf to join him. Martouf sat, uncertain, beside Daniel. Daniel did not reach out to Mer as Martouf almost expected.

“Are you ready to talk about it?” Daniel asked gently after a few minutes of silence. Meridian sighed and finally pulled the pillow off her face, sitting up and rubbing her eyes. She looked to Daniel, seeming bitter. 

“Fine, my almighty therapist. What do you want to know?” she asked, settling herself against her headboard with a tired expression.  
“Well, how about how you still think you’re a burden even though you’re not?” Daniel said pointedly. Martouf gaped at both the question and the way Daniel asked it. Daniel was a gentle person, it was unlike him to..not quite snap at Mer, but he sounded….unconcerned, Martouf decided uneasily.

“Daniel I….you know that I………….” Mer trailed off with a sigh.

“That you were conditioned to believe that? Yes, I do know. And who, pray tell, conditioned you?” Daniel replied pointedly. Mer sighed again, rolling her eyes this time.

“The Goa’uld, Daniel, as we all know.”

“Right. And the Goa’uld?”

“Think that everyone other than them is useless and a burden.”

“And?”

“They’re pompous assholes..”

“And??”

“They’re dumb?”

“AND?”

“They’re wrong. And they’re wrong.”

“Say it again.”

“Daniel-”

“Meridian. Say it again.”

“They’re wrong.”

“And if they’re wrong?”

“I’m not useless and I’m not a burden.”

“Put it together.”

“Da-”

“Ack! Put it together.”

“The goa’uld are wrong. I’m not useless and I’m not a burden.”

“Better. Now say it until you believe it.” Mer sighed and rolled her eyes, as if indulging a small child, but they could all see the relief she felt.

“The goa’uld are wrong. I’m not useless and I’m not a burden. The goa’uld are wrong. I’m not useless and I’m not a burden. The goa’uld are wrong. I’m not useless and I’m not a burden. The goa’uld are wrong. I’m not useless and I’m not a burden. The goa’uld are WRONG! I’m NOT useless and I’m NOT a burden. THE GOA’ULD ARE WRONG! I’M NOT USELESS AND I’M NOT A BURDEN!” Daniel clapped Mer on the back good naturedly.

“Attagirl!” He exclaimed, smiling broadly. Meridian smiled, exhilarated, breathing heavily, eyes alight. 

“Thanks. I needed that.”

“I know.”

“Cheeky!” Mer exclaimed, swatting Daniel on the shoulder. Daniel chuckled, waiting nervously for the next part to hit. He knew Meridian well enough to know that now that she had gotten from sad to angry, she would soon move into angry crying. He could tell from the emotions swirling in Mer’s eyes that she knew it, too. They both turned to Martouf, as if remembering his presence for the first time. 

“We need to go somewhere I can break things. See, Martouf, Lantash, there’s a sort of pattern to this. I get sad, Daniel comes and bullies me into remembering where those feelings come from, I get angry, and then I get sad and angry. And I start breaking things. And I have massacred this room and this house in general a few too many times. And bruised Sam. And Daniel. We’ve gotten better at this now, see, so now that we know what’s next we usually go outside or somewhere else,” Mer explained nonchalantly, as if talking about the weather. Martouf stared at her for a moment. 

“I am sorry, neither I nor Lantash know exactly how to respond to that, other than to say that wherever you go we would like to come,” Martouf answered carefully, clearly at a loss. Meridian laughed somewhat hysterically.

“Ok, Mer, it’s time to go. Martouf, you and Lantash are welcome to come, but know that this isn’t gonna be pretty,” Daniel warned. Martouf nodded as they left the room, and then the house.

They stepped onto the planet’s soil and Meridian laughed hysterically, which quickly turned into sobbing. Martouf was floored by the fact that General Hammond had let them leave so easily, but Daniel had told him that George had seen the aftermath of Mer’s freakouts and preferred them as far from Earth as possible. Meridian had actually provided this address from her extensive memory, and it was a planet Daniel had come to love. It was a fairly small planet, Mer told him, though he had never ventured far from the gate. The area around the gate was like something out of a fairytale, with thick trees so tall he couldn’t see the tops that faded out into a small beach on the edge of a medium sized lake with a small waterfall on one side. Daniel refocused his attention on Mer as she began to cry and scream things he had heard a million times, that it wasn’t fair and it didn’t make sense and why her. Martouf seemed at a loss for what he should do as Meridian ran into the woods, picking things up and throwing them, kicking trees and then swinging into their branches. Daniel put a hand on Martouf’s arm, and Martouf flinched before looking to Daniel, at a loss.

“This is what she always does. Don’t worry, she knows her way around here. Come on, I usually wait on the beach. Once she’s exhausted herself she’ll meet us there, probably with some small animal she killed with her bare hands. Oh, don’t look at me like that, that’s what she always does. It makes her feel better. Plus, trust me, we don’t want to be in her war path when she really gets going, cause she will hurt us without meaning to, and then she’ll feel awful about it later,” Daniel said as he led Martouf to the small beach. They settled down in the sand and listened quietly for a while to the noise of Meridian screaming her voice raw and breaking things with her hands, her knives, her blaster.

“Sam asked me to talk to you,” Daniel began when the sound of Meridian’s rage had lessened as she moved further away.

“I was waiting, honestly. The rest of your team talked to me when you were all in dreamquest,” Martouf admitted. Daniel smiled at that, awkwardly.

“Er, yeah. Anyway, I’m not exactly sure what to say, but I’ll try my best, I guess. Mer is..she’s good. She has a good heart, and she cares a lot. But she’s still just a kid sometimes. She’s very insecure, as much as she tries to hide it, and she craves reassurance she would never ask for but you should always give if you can. Also, you have to be stern with her sometimes, or it won’t get through to her. That’s, sadly, what she’s been conditioned to respond to. And from what I understand, that conditioning actually started more with her parents than the goa’uld. Try not to feel bad being stern with her sometimes, she knows you just do it cause you care. Oh, and as you have probably gathered, she doesn’t talk about her past much. The before, as we call it. I think I know most of all of us, but even I don’t know much. Don’t take it personally if she doesn’t want to talk about it, cause she tends to dodge around the topic. She’s been getting better since she blended with Jolinar, as we learned today, so if she chooses to confide in you, just listen. When it comes to her past, she doesn’t want understanding, and definitely not pity. She hates being pitied. It makes her feel weak. And when it comes to the before, she’s really touchy about it, as you saw today. So try not to..well, honestly, there’s not really a good reaction that I’ve found. Just act like it’s anything else and not an occasion, cause to her it is just part of her life. Um, last thing. If you hadn’t noticed, she’s pretty emotionally unstable. She’s gotten better every year since we saved her, but she still struggles. Cause what she does, is she refuses to talk about what she's feeling and she bottles it up and bottles it up and bottles it up until she runs out of bottles, and then something sets her off and she has a breakdown like today. My best guess is that today when she broke down, us staring at her was just the inciting incident. She’s actually working through all the emotions from, probably around when she first blended with Jolinar if I had to guess, today. That’s how she’s built, and she’s trying to get better about talking about her emotions and working through them but it’s a slow process. So if she talks to you about it, just do your best and know she’s trying. I know I said that was the last thing, but I just thought of one more. She has a lot of pent up anger and sadness, at a whole lot of things. And she tends to take it out inappropriately. Try not to take offense. Ok, that’s pretty much everything I can think of. So, um, if you have any questions you can ask them but I can’t promise to have answers, or answers that I can share,” Daniel concluded with an awkward smile. Martouf was silent for a long moment, conferring with Lantash.

“Do you know exactly what happened? I mean, she took us through her memories, we know she’s from the future and a gate malfunction sent her to our time. We know she was tortured, for three years, at the hands of the goa’uld. We know that you and your team rescued her. But that is all we know. We feel as if we are...missing details.” Martouf grimaced at the dark turns his thoughts were taking.

“I will try to answer that, to the extent of my knowledge. We know that when she was fifteen, Meridian was set to go on a guided tour of the Chulak of her time, which was, when she lived, a historical sight. We know that her father was supposed to be with her, but that he fell ill on the way to the stargate, and he told her to continue alone. When she got to Chulak, it was not the Chulak of her time, but of ours. She, along with the rest of her party, were captured first by Heru’ur’s jaffa and taken to him. She was tortured, along with the others, for information on where they came from. Many of them were parents or children, and they were not proof against the torture and told the truth as well as they knew it. Heru’ur, believing they were lying, had them killed. Meridian, though, had always been a student of history and was smarter and stronger than the others in that regard. She is, and was then, by her own admission, an excellent liar. And so she told them a false story that was more believable to them than the truth, one she hoped would keep her alive. She told them that her people had sold her as a slave to be delivered to Heru’ur, in an attempt to garner the favor of the mighty god Heru’ur of whom they had only heard fantasies, and the ones who were supposed to deliver her had decided to keep her for themselves, not believing Heru’ur to be as mighty and powerful as their people did, and had decided to attempt to hide out on Chulak, not expecting to find Heru'ur there. Since everyone else in her party was dead, and so no one was alive to confirm or deny her, Heru’ur believed her and demanded to know the gate address of the people who had selected and sent her, so he could reward them with his protection. She gave him an address of a fairly poor planet which she believed had not been taken by any goa’uld, and he made it a part of his empire and built a pleasure palace there, being pleased with her as a slave delivery, especially from a planet he had not heard of. Mer knew the goa’uld to be pompous and arrogant, and she used it to her advantage. She is very cunning. The people of the planet, seeing Her’ur only as a kind and benevolent god, began to pay him tribute in goods and women. Heru’ur was pleased and treated the occupants of the planet relatively well, which Mer has always been relieved about. She had worried she was selling them to her doom, and the fact that she had been willing enough to do so still haunted her. Heru’ur was not the most cruel master she served in her time, or so she told me. He treated her as an object more than a slave. She was a pretty ornament on his arm or at the base of his throne. He was enchanted enough with her odd green eyes and her childlike beauty that he never tortured her again after the beginning, and he never sexually violated her. But after a while, she became something of a status symbol for the goa’uld at large. What she represented, or what they thought she represented, at any rate: a race admiring the goa’uld enough to send a slave before their planet was even occupied. Heru’ur gloated enough about her, and showed her off enough, that Cronus staged a raid simply to steal her. He tortured her conventionally, for a long while, before he noticed her odd beauty. But his response was not to wear her like an ornament, as Heru’ur had, but to rape her and use her for his sexual satisfaction. Finding she was a virgin had pleased him greatly, and she quickly learned how to pleasure him and persuade him so that he would treat her better. And it worked, she soon became his most coveted sex slave, and he began to flaunt her as Heru’ur had. That was his mistake, as then Ra decided he wanted her for himself. She went through a similar process with him as with Cronus, and he soon made the same mistake. Mer became a coveted item among the goa’uld, fought over and changing hands constantly for three years. The rest of what I know of her imprisonment before we rescued her, she made me swear never to tell a soul of, and so I won’t. She was with Apophis when we saved her. Teal’c turned to our side, and before he left, he insisted he had to save her. He didn’t even know her name, but he had seen her in her cell and watched her with others, and knew there was something different enough about her that he wasn’t willing to leave without her. So we saved her. She was too injured to even stand when we found her, so Teal’c had to carry her out. I think she just thought she was being stolen yet again, she didn’t realize until we were back at the SGC tending to her wounds that we were human, and we were trying to help. She was eighteen by that point. She stayed with us for three years, as you know, and now she’s twenty one. It was slow going getting her to interact, to do anything of her own volition. In a way, we’ve spent the past three years putting her back together again. Teaching her how to have a life and relationships. She’s gotten so, so much better, but she still has so far to go. Did that answer your question?”

“Yes, I believe it did, Daniel, in great detail, thank you. If you do not mind, I believe I am simply going to lay here quietly while Lantash and I attempt to..come to terms with what you have told us.”

“Sure, sure, take your time. I know it’s a lot. Feel free to ask if you think of anything else.”

“We will, Daniel, thank you.”

It was a few hours of silence later that the sun began to set. Daniel, as if taking this as a cue, stood and began to gather wood. Martouf, still deep in thought and his conversation with Lantash, did not really notice until a small cooking fire sprang to life near him. Daniel blew on the small flame, coaxing it to life, until the fire crackled and popped comfortingly. Martouf had spent many nights next to campfires in his life, and was very comfortable. He smiled his thanks at Daniel, still too distracted to talk, and Daniel nodded back at him before he too settled by the fire. 

After about twenty minutes, Meridian appeared from the woods, carrying some sort of small animal by the neck. Martouf sat up when she appeared, vaguely alarmed and grossly intrigued as he watched her settle to the sand a fair distance from the fire with the animal in front of her. Then she called over the distance, her voice hoarse from yelling, “Knife?” and Daniel slid his to her through the sand. Martouf had never skinned or prepared an animal himself, though Lantash had many times. Martouf, though, watched in gross fascination as Meridian skillfully and easily slid the knife through the animal, skinning it and removing parts that must have been inedible, setting what Lantash told him were probably the good parts of the meat on a flat rock nearby. When she was done, instead of moving to cook the good meat like Martouf had expected, she stood and carried the inedible parts and skin back into the forest.

_ “She will bury the remains, to avoid both the smell and attracting scavenger animals,”  _ Lantash supplied. Martouf sent his understanding.

“She’ll come back and wash and cook the meat when she’s done. She’ll give both of us meat before she takes any herself, it’s her way. Don’t try to reject it, it’ll just upset her. But it’s respectful to wait until she gets some and says her prayer before you start eating. You’ll know,” Daniel told him, seemingly out of the blue, before lapsing back into silence.

“Thank you, I will do so, Daniel,” Martouf answered softly before both were silent once more. After a while, Meridian returned and took the good meat to a stream flowing out of the lake that Martouf had not noticed before. She rinsed the blood off, though Lantash told him that was not necessary and was a matter of preference. She also washed off the small knife thoroughly, drying it with her shirt and resheathing it before returning it to Daniel. Then she walked slowly over to Daniel and held her hand out expectantly. Daniel dug around in his pack for a moment and then supplied her with a small handful of white packets. 

_ “Probably salt, for the meat,”  _ Lantash told him. Nodding his agreement, Martouf watched as Meridian skewered the sliced meat onto long sticks and then shook a few of the packets liberally over each. When she was finished she came over to the fire and, with more sticks, constructed some sort of structure around it. Martouf construed its purpose when she slotted the sticks onto either side, successfully suspending the meat over the flames. Then she grabbed Daniel’s wrist and did something. It took Martouf a moment to realize that Daniel wore some sort of timepeace and Meridian was setting some sort of timer on it, in all likelihood. When it beeped a few minutes later, she flipped the meat and reset it. After a few rounds of this, she seemed satisfied, and took the skewers from the structure in favor of slowly searing them, one at a time, almost directly in the fire. When she finished the first, she wordlessly extended it to Daniel, who accepted it easily. When she finished the second, she held it out to Martouf who took it with barely less grace that Daniel had. The third, she took for herself. The rest, she took to the flat stone she had used before and set out. When she returned, she kneeled, murmuring something quietly. Daniel could not make it out, for it was too quiet, but Martouf, with the enhanced hearing given him by Lantash, heard each word.

“Dear Lord, I thank you for my life and this food which gives me life. I ask your forgiveness for my killing of it in search of life for myself, and ask your forgiveness for my companions, who will not ask it for themselves. I thank you that I am alive and well. I thank you for this meal, as I say: bless us our Lord, and these thy gifts, which we are about to receive, from thy bounty, through Christ our Lord, amen.” While neither Martouf nor Lantash really understood the prayer, they understood the intention and the reverence in Meridian’s voice as she spoke. When she was done she began to tear into her meat with her teeth and Martouf and Daniel, taking that as their cue, tore into their meat as well.


	10. The Lore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More giant blocks of dialogue in this chapter.

They returned to Earth the next day, after spending the night on the sandy beach. Meridian, having exhausted herself both physically and emotionally, left Jolinar in control while she slept soundly. They went back to Sam's house once they were cleared, and the rest of SG-1 was either back there or still there, Jolinar wasn't sure which. She also was not sure how to interact with Meridian's closest friends, who she had yet to really talk to much at all. As a consequence, as they walked further into the house, she hung back awkwardly beside Martouf, who shot her a concerned look and offered his hand for her to hold. She took it gratefully, moving closer to him as she did so. She had noticed that as they had gotten more comfortable around Martouf and Lantash things like this became easier and required less conscious thought. Jolinar had also noticed that when Mer was asleep and she didn't feel her host's emotions, it was easier to be physically close with Martouf and Lantash in ways that were uncomfortable when Mer was awake. Daniel entered the living room easily, sitting down, as of yet not having noticed Jolinar's discomfort as she and Martouf lingered in the doorway. It was actually Sam who noticed the lingering, and a confused look passed over her face before her nimble mind made the leap of logic.

"Come on in and sit down, Jolinar. You too, Martouf. Jolinar, I know you haven't really talked to any of us and you don't know us that well, so it's probably weird for you to be in control around us, but you'll only ever get over that if you talk to us more. I know that I, at least, do wanna get to know you, too."

"Me too," Daniel chimed in.

"Same here," Jack agreed gruffly.

"I, as well, wish to make your acquaintance," Teal'c added. Jolinar smiled a little and moved to sit in an open armchair across from Sam.

" **Thank you. I'm sorry for my behavior, I just find that I do feel quite awkward, and Meridian is not awake to advise me, so I admit I am not quite sure how to behave. Also, the fact the Meridian has a...family, I suppose, in all of you, is very much a first for me. All of my previous hosts have come from worlds the goa'uld have massacred and did not have any relationships outside of those they built within the Tok'ra,"** Jolinar admitted sheepishly. Daniel nodded.

"No, it's ok, that makes sense actually. This is the first time you've had more than a host's memory of past relationships. Usually they integrate into your relationships, not the other way around. You have all of these memories of us, yet you don't really know any of us, and you're not sure how to deal with it," Daniel stated thoughtfully. Jolinar nodded.

" **Precisely. For instance, I do not know how to speak. Among the Tok'ra, the symbiote usually speaks in our naturally deeper tone, as I am now, so it is clear who is speaking. But I have yet to ascertain if my voice makes you uncomfortable and I should use Meridian's voice, or if my voice is acceptable,"** Jolinar agreed thoughtfully. Sam nodded this time, considering.

"Well I, for one, have no objection to your voice. I think that system makes sense, so it's always clear who's speaking," she proclaimed.

"I'm with Sam. I don't think it's uncomfortable, necessarily, just a little weird for us. But the more we hear you talk, the more we'll get used to it, and the less we'll think about it," Daniel agreed. Teal'c just nodded deeply, and Jack muttered something that sounded like an agreement.

" **That is good to know,"** Jolinar said in a grateful tone, but then fell silent, as if unsure what to say next. Everyone else exchanged looks before Daniel spoke up.

"So Jolinar, I know Martouf and Sam talked about something while the rest of us were in a dreamquest that I've been filled in on and, presumably, Lantash has been filled in on, so it only seems fair we ask you about it. What would you think about you and Meridian moving back to Earth for a while?" Daniel proposed somewhat anxiously. Jolinar's eyes widened and she looked quickly at Martouf. Martouf smiled at her and nodded slightly.

"I would stay with you, if you wish it," he murmured to her. Jolinar nodded.

" **I know my Meridian would be very excited by the prospect, and I cannot say that I do not find the idea to be appealing. My main worry would be if the Council would agree,"** Jolinar admitted. Martouf and Sam both nodded.

"We'd considered that, too. We think we could talk them into it since, technically, Meridian is Tau'ri," Sam explained. Jolinar nodded.

" **That argument may work. I also hold a certain amount of sway with the council, and as such, I may be able to get them to agree,"** she pondered.

"That would be great. Mer not being around has been, well, it's like she completes us as a team in a way we didn't realize until she left," Daniel explained, somewhat mournfully. Sam and Jolinar exchanged a glance, and it was as if Sam was telling Jolinar she didn't have anything to worry about. No matter how _longing_ Daniel's voice sounded.

" _Jolinar? Are we on Earth?"_ Meridian's groggy voice sounded in Jolinar's mind.

" _Yes,"_ Jolinar answered, simply.

" _Good. Tell Daniel I wished he'd remember faster. Waiting is killing me,"_ Meridian demanded irritably. It was then that Jolinar realized her host was only half awake. But what she had said was very strange, nonetheless.

" _What do you mean?"_ Jolinar questioned, but Meridian had already fallen back into a restless slumber.

" **Meridian is behaving strangely,"** Jolinar announced to the silent group. Martouf looked perplexed, as did Daniel, but Sam just nodded sagely.

"She's always like that when her and Daniel come back. Fever dreams. Let me guess, she said something weird and then fell right back asleep?" Sam asked. Jolinar nodded.

"Yeah, that's normal. Come with me, Jolinar," Sam commanded, standing. Jolinar shrugged at Martouf and Daniel, but stood and followed Samantha out of the room. Martouf began to follow.

"Not you, Martouf, just Jolinar," Sam called, without even turning around. Jolinar gave Martouf what she hoped was a reassuring smile and left with Sam.

Sam led her upstairs and into a room at the end of the hall, which Jolinar recognized from Mer's memories as Sam's own room. Sam closed the door as soon as they were both in, and then clicked the lock shut. Then she turned to Jolinar with a serious expression.

"Since it's obvious Mer hasn't explained things to you, I'm going to. Sit," Sam commanded firmly, pointing to a plush armchair in the corner. Jolinar did as she was told. Sam sat in the armchair across from her and leaned back with a heavy sigh.

"Ok, here's the deal. You've heard Mer say a lot of weird things about Daniel, right? And, as you know, Meridian is from the future. But what you don't know is that when Meridian came here and met Daniel, that wasn't exactly the first time. Let me explain. The first time Daniel lived was a long, long time ago, and then, his name was Dayillon. He was an Ancient. Meridian wasn't, but she was alive at the time, as a human. Her name wasn't Meridian, it was Merideen. They met and fell in love. They lived together for many years, but then, the Ancients figured out how to ascend. And so Dayillon did, but he was still in love with Merideen. He watched her and pined after her, wishing he had never ascended. Eventually, he helped Merideen to ascend so they could be together. One day, Merideen's home planet was attacked by Goa'uld. Merideen and Dayillon, despite the strict non interference rules, saved them by driving the Goa'uld away. The others, the harshest, punished them. Their punishment was this: their souls would be tied together, Dayillon's memory would be wiped, Merideen's would not, and they would both be reborn as humans. They would always feel a pull towards one another, and Merideen would always know why, but Dayillon never would. So Merideen spends her time seeking Dayillon, her soul's match. Dayillon feels the connection, but doesn't understand it. If Merideen tells him their story, the Ancients separate them both, usually by killing them, and then they are reborn again. Dayillon does, over time, regain memories of his past lives with Merideen, but he can never remember how it all started, he only remembers it was his fault, even though it wasn't. Merideen tires of the constant game, the constant search for Dayillon, constantly hoping he will remember, and so she takes other partners. He has always been with others, by virtue of not realizing he is promised to Merideen, and so Merideen believes it only makes sense for her to be with others. Dayillon and Merideen both hide the pain they feel when they see the other with a different lover. Especially Dayillon, for he, in his mind, has no justification to begrudge Merideen a different match. He feels the pain of being separated as much as she does, only he has no explanation. Our Meridian and Daniel, now, are in an odd situation. Meridian knew, in her own time, Daniel, and they loved one another and were together from the time they were quite young. The Meridian born during this time was in an accident and died before she and Daniel ever met. Daniel felt the pain of her being gone constantly, though he could not identify or understand it. It is a physical ache, their separation. Then, when our Meridian came along, Daniel was drawn to her because being with her stopped the pain. But she had been hurt badly, and even her soul's mate was not trustworthy to her. When they had finally come to a good place in their relationship, as good as it could be, Meridian saved you and paired herself in the process with Martouf and Lantash. For Daniel, the pain returned without explanation, and is only abated by close and prolonged physical contact. For Meridian, the pain returned to a lesser extent, and it abates just being near him because she is happy in her pairing with Martouf and Lantash, and her bond with you. But she still misses Daniel, in her mind and in her heart. He's the only one who always knows what to say to her, how to help her, how to comfort her, knows what she needs and when. And she aches for him in her mind, if not as badly in her heart. This is why she cries out for him, cries for him to remember, to know her as someone more than just someone important. Mer hates talking about this, by the way, which is probably why she's never told you, but she'll be glad you know," Sam finished solemnly. Jolinar just stared at her, trying to wrap her mind around the complex and only barely believable story. Sam chuckled at her face, then stood.

"I'm going to make some tea for us, I'll be right back. I know it's a lot to digest, believe me. Take your time and think it through. Then, when Mer wakes up, let her know what you know and she might or might not add something," Sam advised, gently. She left the room, closing the door behind her. Jolinar's head spun. She had learned quickly that her host was complicated, but not _this_ complicated. She had ended up in the middle of an unending, cruel, and unusual form of torture. And apparently, even though she hadn't tried, she had exacerbated what was literally the most important relationship in Meridian's life. Yeah, this was a little complicated, to say the least.

Sam returned a little while later and deposited a cup of hot, fragrant tea in Jolinar's hands. It was chamomile tea, which Meridian always drank when she couldn't sleep. Jolinar took a sip numbly, not surprised to find it sweet and lemony, the way Mer always made it. She drank it slowly, thoughts bouncing around wildly. Jolinar found after a while that, despite dismissing Mer's previous claims that this type of tea made her tired and helped her stop thinking enough to sleep, she was nodding off. Sam noticed and took the now empty cup from her hands gently.

"You should sleep," Sam murmured, guiding Jolinar by the elbow out the door and into Meridian's room, depositing her on the bed and tucking the covers around her. Jolinar was asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow.


End file.
